Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Dear Reese

Dear Reese,

You turned 3 months old yesterday!  We've had a lot of change and you actually have been doing pretty well with everything we've thrown at you lately.  One thing you'll learn about our family is that we can't seem to sit still for long but maybe that's not a bad thing.

You've been home with Dad for a few weeks now while I returned to work.  It wasn't too hard of an adjustment because you got to stay home and I felt better knowing you were in your own home, with Dad.  You did fuss a little when taking the bottle at first but I like to think that it's only because you missed me :-)

This week we had to start you in daycare because the school year is starting and Dad needs to get ready.  We found a nice lady with a nice home and what seems to be a great program for when you're older and I think she's doing a pretty good job with you.  In only 2 days you're already eating and napping like a champ so I'm not too worried about you during the day.

You've been having some stomach issues lately and giving Dad & I a run for our money when it comes to bedtime.  I think you're gassy a lot but I can't figure out why.  I don't know if I'm eating something that's bothering you or if you've just got a sensitive tummy.  I'm hoping that now that we've hit the 3-month mark that things will start to smooth out.  It would be better for all of us.

Dad and I are also wondering if you're teething early because all you want to do is suck (feed) or chew on something.  You quiet down when you get a finger or pacifier in your month.  It would be super early but not unheard of I suppose.

You are so much fun lately, you have HUGE smiles when you're happy!  You've started making little squeaks when you smile like you're talking to me and I love to sit and smile and coo back to you. 

I should mention that you are also already rolling over, about a month early.  You can go both from stomach to back and back to stomach, but you go more back to stomach.  You certainly keep Dad & I on our toes!

I'm excited to see what the next few months bring us.  I love you little girl!

Love, Mom

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

One Year

On July 17th it was the 1-year anniversary of my  mom's passing.  For a few months after she passed, I wondered what we would do that day.  Would my brothers and I come together and find a way to honor and remember her?  Would we all be a little closer, having grown over that year? 

The answer is that I spent that day by waking up at 4am to catch a 6:30am flight from LA to Cleveland with my 2 small children.  To be honest, I can't even remember now exactly what we did.  (We went to the store, cooked dinner and hung out until we all crashed - I just remembered.)

Yes, I thought of her off and on through out the day and I missed her but it was mostly nothing new.

When she passed, we had her cremated and the remains were simply placed in a cardboard box that went home with my dad.  As far as I know, he put that box on the mantle and it is still there.  I don't know, I haven't been in the house for quite some time.  When all this was happening, I requested that eventually we do something, put something somewhere so that we would all have a place to go to visit her, talk to her, remember her.  That hasn't happened.

I miss her every single day.  I think about her every day.  I have dreams about her and I wish they were good dreams where she reassured me that everything was ok, but mostly she's sad in them.

I stopped going to therapy at the beginning of this year.  It wasn't because I thought I was done but because I was pregnant, starting a new job, etc.  Busy.  If I were still there I'm sure that she would have recommended that I do something to honor her like go to her favorite place for lunch or write her a letter or something. 

As for all of us being closer, we're not.  Not that we're further apart, just that things don't really seem to have changed.  With one exception, my dad.  There has been a lot of turmoil over the past year in our relationship and we are distant.

If there isn't a place to go and visit her, perhaps I'll have to create one.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012


I have started and deleted 2 blog posts in the last week.  One because I decided you didn't really want to read about my daycare woes (and the post was getting to be crazy long [and boring if I'm being honest]) and one because it got confusing.

I have a hard time telling only part of a story.  So when I want to write a post about my relationship with the Church and religion, I feel like I need to start at the very beginning with my childhood and what led to this point.

Here is a gist of things I want to write about but haven't had time or don't want you falling over from boredom:
  • How we as a family are thinking about distancing ourselves from the Catholic church and perhaps looking into more of a Christian religion that doesn't make us say a prayer to deny gay couples the right to marry.  I think they should be allowed to marry and I don't want to teach my girls that gay couples are something to be looked down on.
    • Side note: Why isn't there as big an effort against divorce?  I would think it's way more harmful to marriage than gay couples.
  • Daycare - how hard it is to find the right one, how weird it is that I have to pay for their time off, and events leading up to our switch.  Basically, after some mis-communication Reese is going to a brand new (to us) daycare starting in a few weeks.  Addy will be in pre-school so we will no longer be using our previous one.  Sad, but it had to happen.
  • I am crazy and already planning our trip to Ohio for Christmas.  Basically, I want to buy tickets because the price is reasonable but C's extended family can't ever figure things out so he wants to just buy the tickets and what happens, happens.  I want to make sure that Reese can see her great-grandma so I don't want to buy tickets until we know what's going. 
    • Tangent post - C thinks its unfair that we make all kinds of effort to come visit but no one comes to see us except his mom.  I counter that when we visit everyone is in one place (We see every aunt, uncle, cousin, etc.) whereas each one of them would have to buy tickets.
  • C went crazy and started seriously looking into moving back to California and I freaked out and we had a fight and he agreed to back off a bit.  The end of this is that we're not moving.  Yet.  If ever.
  • I'm back to work.  I already wrote about this but I could write forever about schedules, pumping at work, etc.  It's going fine, basically.
  • I don't speak to my dad hardly at all any longer.  I thought after my mom passed that things would change and we would become closer and he would come over for dinners but I'm afraid that our relationship has been damaged beyond repair.  I think that's really sad.
So there you go.  Jacque's mind - in 1000 words or less.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

New Directions

A little shout out to the Glee fans (New Directions is the name of the Glee club).

As of Monday, I now work for A Corporation.  Those of you who are my FB (and Real life) friends already know what the real name is but I don't want to risk getting fired so A Corporation it will remain here.

Changes like a new job impact all areas of your life, whether you're prepared or not.  Spending 10 weeks at home with Reese was amazing and the best thing I could have done.  Having C home with me was like icing on the cake.  I honestly loved being able to spend time with him and amazingly we didn't even get sick of eachother.

But going back to work is both a blessing and a curse.  Pros: I feel like a contributing member of society, PAYCHECKS, time away from my loved ones (makes the heart grow fonder), and a schedule.  Cons: I miss my family (since I got used to being home), no more sleeping in or mid-day naps, and most of the time coming home to chaos as I try to catch up with C & Addy and feed Reese and figure out some dinner etc.

Note: I don't think that SAHMs are not contributing members of society.  I simply know that I am not cut out to be one.  More power to you moms who do stay home because I know how hard it can be.  For me, having a job outside the home provides us the luxuries we have and its so ingrained in me to work that staying home isn't even an option.

Things will get harder once the school year starts.  C is teaching a brand new class (to him) this year which means more planning.  Plus, he may not get a free period at school  which means the planning happens before and after school.  A is starting pre-school which we're all very excited about but its a change.  And of course, Reese is still a baby and will be starting a new daycare.  C & I are struggling with tryign to figure out the pick up/drop off schedule already. 

I think that if we can make it through this year that we'll come in to a place where things settle down and we can enjoy being a family.  By  next summer Reese will be 1, Addy will be 4 and hopefully C will have tenure.  And hopefully I'll be settled and enjoying my new position.