In Memoriam

It is still so new & all we see is the empty space, but that is not how it is in the landscape of the heart. There, there is no empty space & she still laughs & grapples with ideas & plans & nods wisely with each of us in turn. We are proud to have known her. We are proud to have called her friend.

- Brian Andreas

I found this when searching for a Story People print to hang in the house.  I have admired his work since my friend received a (different) print of his and hung it in her home.  Hers was about dealing with depression and it seemed to fit.  

 

I am considering getting this to honor my mom but I'm having issues with the wording.  First, I would prefer it to say Mom instead of friend at the end.  And second, while I like the text, I feel that there is something that would describe my Mom better.  It's not that I didn't think that she was wise or smart, but she was fun, and bright, and SO musical.  

 

I almost always have a difficult time finding the perfect thing to represent my feelings.  It's like I get something stuck in my head, even if it's just some feelings or words and I always have a hard time making it reality or finding the representation.

I wish I could remember the Bible reading we chose for her service.  I'm pretty sure it was the end of the Book of Isaiah but my stupid filter at work won't let me access anything that would confirm that.

 

I want to honor her in my home in some way but I really can't figure out how...

Class

For reasons I'm not going to get in to right now, starting next week I'll be taking a night class at the U of MN and I. am. NERVOUS.

It's been a really long time since I've been in school/class and I'm worried that I'll be the only person older than 30 there, that I wont' be able to keep up, that no one will want to study with me, that it will be too much, etc.

The timing's not great with me trying to get all pregnant, but I found the class and talked to C and decided to go for it.  It's going to be hard on our little family with me being gone 2 nights a week and C having to pick up the slack.

It means that I'll miss family dinners and putting Addy down with stories and kisses and who knows how much more of my time will be eaten up with studying.  I have no idea what to expect but there are also benefits.

I plan to ask for a raise when it's done.  I will become more marketable for jobs.  It will be done.

I'm nervous as hell but I also realize what a good thing this is so I will push through.  12 weeks isn't that long anyway.

Things that are Happening

In an effort to return to normal (?), here's an update on my life...

We are officially "trying" to get pregnant.  But considering that we were actively trying NOT to get pregnant with Addy, I'm unsure how this will go.  For a couple months I suppose we'll just see what happens.  I'd definitely like it to happen sooner, rather than later.

We have been in the house since Saturday and we are slowly making headway and unpacking.  My brother and SIL helped us a TREMENDOUS amount over the weekend and it's much better than it would have been.  We got all new bedroom furniture (a real grown-up matching set!) plus a mattress and it's awesome.  I'm still not crazy for the wall color but I'll survive (C won that battle).

We are keeping a list of things that need to get done which so far includes: install a garbage disposal, get new windows, install overhead lights in all the bedrooms (who thought they wouldn't be needed?!), get new garage door opener, clean gutters, etc.  We have some busy weekends ahead of us.

I'm still not happy in my job, which I touched on yesterday.  The thing about it is that I can't figure out if it's because I don't like it anymore or if it's because of my mom and all the things associated with that.  I will admit that one thing I realized I don't like is that there don't seem to be clear lines about who does what.

I lean towards Type A with regards to work and my duties.  I don't like it when people do the things that I'm supposed to do or overstep their boundaries (I guess they'd be my boundaries).  I want to be allowed to do my job and not have someone doing it for me or questioning me on it.  I also want to be trusted to perform my job.  If you ask me to do something, allow me to do it.  I don't like that things change so much here with who does what.

Now, I feel like I should also say that I'm not one of those "that's not my job" people.  I rarely pass the buck, I do what's asked of me or I figure out who I'm supposed to ask.  It's just that lines are so blurred here.

We're switching daycares in about 2 1/2 weeks.  This one will be SO much closer to our house and it's $20/week less!  Now, C & I can share the drop off/pick up duties which will take the load off me.  I'm just dreading breaking the news to our current provider.  She's not going to be happy and I'm fully expecting tears.

And that's your update.

I keep coming here to post and I have no idea what to say.

We moved and I love having a house now, even with all the work that comes with it.

There's still a pall that hangs over everything I do and that kind of sucks but I understand that it will take time for that to ease.

Work still sucks and I have had no drive lately to get things done.  I'm skating by with the bare minimum at the moment.  That's not like me at all.

I saw the therapist again and I'm not sure what I'm getting out of it other than a place to talk.  I've got another appointment in 2 weeks so we'll see.

I just don't know.

One Month

I want to write but I often don't know what to write.  It's been one month today since we lost my mom.  Since the last time I was able to speak with her and tell her I love her.

I remember that we were going to grab some lunch and try to let my mom rest, because she didn't want to sleep until she'd seen us all.  So we talked to the nurse and then I told my mom that they were giving her some morphine and that we were going to leave her alone for a while so she could rest.  She said ok and probably gave me a thumbs up, because that was what she did.  And I told her I loved her as I walked out of the room and she mouthed it back to me and that was the last time.

We didn't know, as we went to lunch, that she would basically take a turn for the worse, that we would pretty much never speak to her again.  She was still coherent afterward, but she steadily declined as time went on.  

I miss her every day.  Even when I forget, I still miss her.  It's not fair to lose her so suddenly and so young.

I didn't know that today would be so hard.  I didn't realize that I would cry at my desk.

What Happens?

What happens when you have one week until closing on your house, your husband is out of town unexpectedly, you're thinking about getting pregnant, you're thinking about starting night classes, you're searching for a new daycare and you're still grieving?

You show up for your 5pm therapy appt. at 4pm and then have to reschedule...

Stress, it's what's for dinner!

Things have been okay around here.  We're preparing for the big move this weekend though, thankfully we don't NEED to be out of our place until Aug. 31.  We're hoping to be out next week (if C's schedule permits him to clean the old place) and we also plan to be sleeping in our new place by Saturday night.

I think it's do-able.

We've been making steps almost every day for the move, all without me taking off work.  We bought paint and supplies, we bought a brand new bedroom set and a new mattress set (Side note: I absolutely can not wait to sleep on this new mattress set).  We've got just about all the rooms and furniture figured out except for the family room.  I'd love to find a sectional to put in there.

We had a Memorial for my mom over the weekend and it was a nice party.  Tons of people and tons of food and the bar even donated a keg so the beer was flowing.  She would have loved it.

A Change

Hopefully you managed to find your way over here from Destination: Married.  I changed the blog name because it didn't seem fitting any longer.  I'm trying to make changes too with archiving all my wedding talk to one section and all that.

More to come soon but for now, welcome to the new blog!

Hard

This weekend was hard.  There were times I missed my mom so much it hurt.  

We had a family reunion of sorts, an annual picnic we all attend.  Our extended family isn't that close, so we only see each other at weddings, funerals, and this damn picnic.  Oh, they meant well but every year it's the same awkward, "Who are you again?  Who's kid?" and this year it was exceptionally difficult.

My brother said something that rang so very true with me.  He said, "The woman that was in that hospital bed, the one I watched [pass away] was not my mother.  (She looked so different in the end and lost a lot of her strength.)  So even though I watched it happen, it's like Mom's just on vacation right now and she'll be waiting at the house when I call or I'll see her next week when we have pizza."  And we agreed that due to this, we're still in a sub-conscious denial about the whole thing.

This family reunion was so weird and hard without her there.  Because she would have been there.  Camped out in her chair with a wine cooler in her hand.  Jumping up to hug everyone as they came in.  Fussing over the lay out of the food and making "mmmm" noises.  Every time I turned around it was like this sock in the gut that she wasn't there.  

We also had some guests in from out of town and they hadn't seen me since "before".  I asked C to make sure they knew (they're his relatives) because I didn't want them asking how she was doing.  I didn't need to worry about that, but from now on I know that when I see someone that I'll have to go through it again.  And they don't mean any harm, but they make comments about how fast it was or how they just saw her at the wedding and she looked great.  

I know that it's part of everything and I can only imagine how holidays and special days will be but it really, really sucks.

I Hate Work

I generally try hard not to say I hate things.  It's so absolute.  So instead I say I don't like them or I'm not pleased.  But I am so angry about my work. 

I also generally don't talk about my work, as I'm sure you've noticed.  I think it's not professional and a great way to get in trouble, if not fired.

But today, and for the last 2 weeks, I hate my job.

I hate everything about how they chose to deal with my mom's passing.  I hate that they only gave me one day of bereavement leave to "cope".  Seriously?!  Between actually dealing with it and planning a funeral and attending said funeral, one day does NOT cut it.  I hate that they told me to "take as much time as I needed" but then only paid me for one actual day.  How much sense does that make?

I hate that my boss made the decision to tell only the people that "needed to know" and have my card signed by only 16 people in a company of 130.  I don't work directly with all 130 but you can imagine the awkwardness of people not knowing and wondering where I was.  I hate that I had to explain.  

Call it selfish, but I also hate that someone else passed away (not a direct employee but someone we kind of knew) and there's a company wide e-mail sent out and a card in the break room.  A card that was hand delivered to multiple people and most didn't even actually know him.  

I hate that personal feelings come in to daily decisions about how the place is ran.  I hate that I'm second-guessed in my role here.  Either I can do it or I can't.  I hate that the boss' children are hired sans interviews and given titles like "Project Manager".  

I'm fully aware that I'm not in a great place right now, but none of this is helping lately.

But at least I'm able to vent here!

On Grieving

I conveniently saw my doctor the Wednesday after my mom passed (I hate the word died, it seems insensitive for some reason) and after I started crying in her office, she asked me what was wrong and then suggested I speak to a therapist.  I figured what the hell and scheduled an appointment that took place on Tuesday.

I should point out a few things.  I have never seen a therapist in my life and I suspect that hardly anyone in my family has either.  It's kind of taboo, something we associatedwith mental illness and weakness (no hate please).  We much prefer to suffer in silence and deal in our own ways.  We hardly ever talk about feelings.  I didn't tell my dad I loved him until 2001 (on the phone).  We'd always just say "Bye".

Because of this, and the way mid-westerners tend to be (it's that Lutheran background or something), I don't really express how I'm feeling at any given time.  C even tends to agree with that, telling me that it takes a lot to get inside me & my head.  So I felt pretty weird going and wondered just how it would go.


I'm still not sure how it went or even what I'm trying to get out of it.  I suppose I want validation for my feelings.  I want to be told that it's normal.  I want to be told that I'm reacting in a proper way, no matter what I'm doing.


There's such a stigma about grieving and I feel like I should have fallen apart and not showered or gotten out of bed for 3 days or something and I didn't.  And this was my own mother!


I'm seeing her again next week and we'll see how it goes.  At some point I need to figure out exactly what I want and if we're getting there.  I need to see if it's helping.

3 In 30

I recently read another blog that talked about setting goals and then blogging about them to stay accountable.  I thought that sounded like a good idea because just over the weekend C & I set a goal for ourselves.

So, our first goal is to radically cut spending for the month of August on clothes & shoes.  We went up to the outlets on Saturday because I wanted to.  I needed work pants and a distraction.  (Side note: the clothing industry has changed their sizes again because I bought TWO pairs of pants in a size 4.  I have NEVER been a size 4.  I don't think my body has changed much so I think sizes changed.)

Anyway, I was successful in finding 2 pairs of work pants and some other things, a few things for C and Addy too.  But over lunch, C & I talked about how we go shopping mostly out of boredom and we should really stop that.  Enter goal one.  I will not buy an article of clothing for the month of August.  The one exception is a swimsuit IF it's on clearance because none of mine fit very well.  And really I just need a top.

So no more clothes which really means no more trips to the mall just cause we're bored and it's hot outside.

Goal 2 is to move more.  When I get home from work I'm usually pooped and I don't play, I don't exercise, and I don't do much of anything unless it's my turn to cook.  So unless it's boiling outside or raining (both are possibilities) we should go for after dinner walks or just play bubbles outside.

Goal 3 has something to do with moving but I'm trying to figure out how to make it concrete.  I want something about packing, like I should pack one thing every day but I'm not sure that's a good goal.

And if we're adding on extra goals, I'd like to add Get Thank You cards done this month.  If I'm going to sit on the couch, I could at least do something productive.  Plus, I'd like to send them with "We've Moved!" cards.  2 birds and all that.