Here's the Thing

I never should have told anyone that we were even thinking about getting pregnant.  I feel like everyone is watching me and waiting for us to make an announcement.

And to be honest, it takes some of the thrill out of it then.  Because when it happens and it's finally time to tell people, I'm going to hear "Yeah, I thought you were" a lot.  I mean, I don't know for sure but I'm pretty sure that's how it's going to go.

I feel like I'm under more scrutiny now, like people are watching to see if I'm eating or extra tired or gaining weight.  I also feel like when I'm pregnant, I'll want to keep it to myself a bit and savor it and maybe I won't be able to because someone will have figured the whole thing out.

It's this fine line between wanting to share news (we want to get pregnant!) and wanting to enjoy it for a while.

And the real question is, should I even care?  Who cares if someone figures it out, it doesn't mean it doesn't matter.  It doesn't make me any less excited.

But I still think I should have kept my stupid mouth shut.

Totally random and quick, but I made this for dinner last night and it was good!  C even went back for seconds, which is semi-rare for him.

Some alterations I made included, adding garlic and mushrooms and diced tomatoes to the sauce mixture so it would be more chunky and sauteeing the peppers right with the rest of the stuff.  Oh, and I used ground turkey in an effort to be healthy.  I also added a few spices since the recipe really didn't call for any like Italian spice and garlic powder.

It ended up kind of juicy, so next time I'll be sure to drain the canned tomatoes first and also drain the cooking juices before adding everything else.

Oh, and I think cost-wise it clocks in around $6-7 depending on what you have on hand and what you choose to add.  If you grew the zucchini and chose to omit mushrooms it'd be very affordable.


Enjoy!

Why Kids?

As C & I work on getting pregnant (which is another post - about when to tell people when it's actually happened), I ponder all the time about what life will be like with another child.  And if we can handle it, and if Addy will still get the attention she deserves and the fears go on and on.

But I read an article the other day that got me thinking.  The author threw out the questions, "Why have kids?" because it seemed to her that kids were really just little life ruiners and it was totally not worth it.  She cited tired parents, lack of money or sex or alone time, messes, horrible temper tantrum-throwing monsters, disrespectful teenagers, etc.  She had SO many reasons about why kids really were the worst thing a loving couple could ever do to themselves.

Well, it's one of those things that you'll never understand until you actually have one.  You can't imagine the joy you feel when they run to you or take your face in their hands, look into your eyes and kiss you.  Or how proud you feel when they figure something out that you've been trying to teach them.

But let's get practical for a minute.  The way I see it, kids are the greatest thing I'll ever do with my life.  

People like you and me, we're not world-changers.  We're not flying down to Haiti to help them clean up or feeding starving children in Africa.  We're not genuises who will come up with the next brilliant idea that will forever change the way we do something.  In short, my name isn't going down in history as some visionary or do-gooder.

I'm ok with that.  I do what I can, when I can.  But having a kid, it's my accomplishment.  I get to raise this child to be the best human being she can possibly be.  I get to put all my hopes and dreams into her (trying not to stifle her) and then watch her go into the world and see what she does.

I may not change the world, but maybe she will.  Or maybe she'll be like me, a loving, working mother who loves her children fiercely.   And I'll have created that.  That is why I do it.

And Here I Thought I Was Doing Pretty Well

I had a friend in town over the past long weekend and we had a good time hanging out with our kids and together and showing her the city and our new house.  We went to a family BBQ after they flew out and had a good time visiting with everyone and left after a few hours.

As we left my cousin's wife said, "I'm sorry you're so sad" to me and it has stuck with me ever since.  I asked C about it because I honestly felt like I was doing ok.  I didn't feel like I was wearing this cloak of sadness that everyone could see any longer.  He told me that he thinks I am sad but it's only because he sees me everyday and knows me that well.

I feel this weird pressure to be sad but not.  Like, there's some level of sadness or some period of grieving that is deemed acceptable but I don't know how much it is.  

And having written that, I can see how silly it is to base my emotions on what other people think of me.  But I don't want people to think that I'm totally fine now and think that I don't miss my mom.  On the other hand, I don't want people to think I'm crying myself to sleep every night.

The truth is this: I miss her.  I miss her every. single. day.  I hate not being able to talk to her and tell her what's going on in my life.  I hate that she never saw my house or got to meet any of her future grandchildren.  I hate that life is still going on and she's missing everything and we're missing her.

BUT, I don't let it run my life.  I don't let it stop me from enjoying company or cracking a joke or living my life.  

I SO wish that she was still around but I can't dwell on the fact that she's not.

And I think that puts me in exactly the right place.

I couldn't decide if my job was making me unhappy or if I was unhappy at my job because of everything else.  It's sometimes hard to see through everything going on to the root of the problem.

Am I unhappy about my mom, which is affecting everything else in my life or am I truly unhappy at my job?

But everything else seems fine.  I love our house, I love my little family, and I think that I'm doing pretty well all things considered.

But I hate my job.  I decided today after some BS personnel moves that make no sense.

The bad part is that I have too much invested right now to make a change so I need to stick it out for a while longer.

And so we muddle through.