Funk

I feel like coming here and just pouring out all the stupid crap that's been happening lately, but I don't want to be a whiner or put all of this shit on the internet for everyone to read about.

On the other hand, its apparent to me that no one reads my blog anyway, save for like 4 people.

As of Dec. 17th, my mom has been gone for 4 months.  It seems like longer with everything that's been happening.  I'll be honest, it hasn't been a great 4 months.  I mean, I don't have a job and I'm pregnant which isn't making me super confident about our future.  I know we'll be fine and all that but its crazy to be job hunting while pregnant.

I have an interview today but its for a contract position which isn't great.  It would basically cover me through actually having the baby and then I'd be out of a job again.  At least its something right?  It puts money in the bank account and gives us some security.

So that's stressing me out.  Christmas is stressing me out just because it's our first one without mom.  I don't know really what to do or how to make it ok.  I know that whatever I do its going to be wrong, just that it's not going to feel right and its going to take us a few years to figure this whole thing out.

But I'm ready to accept it and we'll just roll with it this year.

12 Weeks

Originally written 11/8:

Happy 12 Weeks!  Officially 1/3 done, right?  (Really, wouldn't 1/3 be next week at 13 weeks since full term is 40 weeks?  Whatever.)

Hopefully in the next few weeks I start to feel much better in terms of nausea and fatigue.

There's not much else to report so here we go:

How far along?:  12 weeks
Total weight gain/loss:  I don't weigh myself at home much so I only rely on the dr's office which means this only gets updated after each appt.  So, +1 pound.
The Bump: Yeah, it's there even if some people claim its not.  It totally is.
What I’m excited about/looking forward to:  The second trimester "burst of energy"
Maternity Clothes:  I went through my old maternity clothes over the weekend and I'm in much better shape than I thought!  I bought 2 sweaters over the weekend, 1 is a cardigan which will DEFINITELY come in handy.
Symptoms:  Had some slight cramping and a few episodes of dizziness over the weekend.  I actually stayed home yesterday to rest.  The nurse I spoke to said I just need to drink more water which makes sense.
Belly Button in or out?:  In.
Food Cravings/Aversions:  We had Mexican 3 times over the weekend, Thank you Corey for indulging me!  Grilled cheese sounds GOOD right now.
What I miss:  Honestly, nothing really.  Except maybe looking like I hadn't had 1 too many burritos.
Milestones:  I think it's crazy early for this but I'm feeling some flutterings today.  It's probably gas, but the dr. did say I'd feel them earlier.  12 weeks seems a little soon for it though. 

Week 11

Originally written 10/31:

I finally got to see the doctor and hear the little peanut's heartbeat for the first time!  I totally teared up at hearing that little sound.  It's just so reassuring to hear it and know they're doing ok in there.  

The dr started messing with me and said, "It's a girl!" but then admitted that there was NO possible way to know that at this point.  When the baby is so little, so early on, the heart is working much harder than later on in the pregnancy.  Plus, you never know what the peanut is doing in there, maybe backflips or punching my uterine walls or something.  I will record the bpm from each appointment though, just to see if there's truly a correlation (for me).

10 weeks BPM: 174

Other than that, I spent the weekend alternating between feeling pretty good and feeling down right yucky.  Apparently this pregnancy/baby doesn't care that it was my birthday.  I got a lot of sleep though and some good food so I can't complain too much.

How far along?:  11 weeks
Total weight gain/loss:  All that worrying for nothing.  Up a grand total of 1 lb.
The Bump:  Still there, still fitting in most clothes.  Just becoming more obvious.
What I’m excited about/looking forward to:  2nd trimester energy surge!  We'll see, mostly just looking forward to not wanting to throw up most of the time.
Maternity Clothes:  Nope, but I did buy a size larger sweater over the weekend.  There should be some good sales soon plus I found out there's a maternity consignment shop in the cities so I'll probably visit there.
Symptoms: No change from last week, still tired, still fighting nausea.
Belly Button in or out?:  In. I don't see this changing.
Food Cravings/Aversions: Soup & sandwiches are always good.  Oh, and I love sweets but they almost backfired on me today.  Too much sugar had me feeling like I was going to pass out.  I had Chipolte over the weekend and it was pretty good!
What I miss:  Having energy and not feeling ill.
Milestones:  Heard that wonderful heartbeat!

Week 10

Originally written 10/25:

My friends were in town over the weekend and despite being exhausted (both during their visit and especially after) we had a great time.  I wasn't the party-pooper I was worried I'd be, I stuck it out both nights, staying up until at least 12 both nights!  I still got to enjoy great meals and lots of laughs and stories and it was great.

Other than that, not a lot has changed this week.  I'm seriously starting to show so I'll need to come clean soon.  I need to tell my family before I tell more people at work because I work with someone related to me.  So if he hears at work, there's a chance he'll tell our relatives before I do, just because he won't know not to.

Still feeling ill a lot, but I think it's getting slightly better.  I bought some bigger bra sizes and that seems to help a little.  I think if I could just quit wearing a bra for the next 4 weeks, I'd probably be great.  I'm also avoiding things like tomato sauces and spicy things since they seem to aggravate my stomach.

How far along?:  10 weeks
Total weight gain/loss:  I'll find out for sure on Friday but I hope it's just not more than 3-4 lbs.  I'd really like to keep things under control.
The Bump:  It feels bigger to me this week but I'm jaded.  Who knows what it looks like to an outsider.
What I’m excited about/looking forward to:  Seeing the doctor on Friday and hearing the heartbeat.
Maternity Clothes:  Just bigger bras so far.  Definitely wearing looser pants lately.
Symptoms: Nausea (which is really more like acid reflux) and exhaustion.  Craving sleep like no other.
Belly Button in or out?:  In. I don't see this changing.
Food Cravings/Aversions: Craving Mexican, buffalo anything, and CARBS.  We ate out over the weekend and I kept asking people for bread baskets which I could never get.  Aversions are nothing and anything.  Just depends on the moment.
What I miss:  Having energy and not feeling ill.
Milestones:  Baby is the size of a lime this week!  I am just so excited to see the doctor!

Week 9

Originally written 10/17:

Not much to report this week except that nausea has kicked in full time.  I told someone over the weekend that I forgot just how bad it was with Addy.  I think I glossed over it (like everything having to do with pregnancy & L&D) and now that it's here I'm miserable.  2 nights in a row I haven't been able to eat more than 1/2 my dinner.  3 nights in a row I went to bed feeling like absolute crap.  I actually slept on the couch for a while Saturday night so that I could sit up.

And I can handle it but I'm worried about how this is going to affect me and my class.  If I feel miserable at night, what am I going to do when I feel ill in the middle of class?

I'm also worried because my friends are coming to visit next weekend and I'm scared that I'm going to be a party pooper because I won't feel well at all and I'll be crazy tired.  They all know I'm pregnant though, so hopefully they'll understand a little.

Anyway:
How far along?:  9 weeks
Total weight gain/loss:  Weighed myself naked this morning and my weight hasn't really changed.  We'll see next week.
The Bump:  Pretty much the same as last week.
What I’m excited about/looking forward to:  Hopefully in 3-4 weeks I'll start feeling better and have more energy.  I remember feeling better with Addy but pretty much ALWAYS being tired.
Maternity Clothes:  No but I got some of my bigger sizes out of storage and they don't fit yet (yay!) so it will be a bit before I use those too.  I went to a baby sale over the weekend and found a pair of maternity corduroys for $5!
Symptoms: Nausea and Fatigue.  Almost like the flu.
Belly Button in or out?:  In. I don't see this changing.
Food Cravings/Aversions: For the time being, I'm avoiding tomato products as it seems to irritate my sensitive tummy.  So no pasta or pizza or anything like that.  I made soup for dinner last night and thought it would be great but started feeling horrible half way in.  I wish I could find a "magic food" that would make me feel better.
What I miss:  Having energy and an appetite.
Milestones:  Kind of a small one but I bought an ADORABLE bassinet at the baby sale and we took it apart and washed everything and it's ready to go.  Addy loves it and wheels it around and tried to get in it a few times but I think she gets it's for the baby and not her.  She put her Arnold in there and sang to him, it was crazy cute.

Catch 22

Originally written 10/10

I feel like I ruined our weekend and I'm still feeling guilty about it even though C told me not to worry.  See, I'm stuck in this catch-22 where all I want to do is relax and sleep and really not do much of anything but then I feel bad because I'm neglecting Addy, C, the house, etc.  

C told me I was being very distant this weekend and I told him how tired and nauseated I feel most of the time and he understands but it's still not right.  And then I feel that my fuse is so much shorter right now and Addy is in this phase of not wanting to listen AT ALL and so I told him that sometimes I think it's best to just keep my distance.  I'd rather not play with her than yell at her.

But we did get out into the garden and did some work there, and we went to the apple orchard yesterday and had a really nice time so it's not like I was a super grump the whole time.  Just half...

How far along?:  8 weeks
Total weight gain/loss:  I'd guess around 2 pounds.  I'm nervous because every time I start to feel ill, I shove some crackers in my mouth and I don't think that will help with the weight gain.  I'm torn between not caring (I'm pregnant!) and worrying about it (harder to lose after baby).
The Bump:  I think there's not really a change from last week so far.  My weekly e-mail told me my uterus is the size of a grapefruit right now.  Still wearing a lot of loose tops though.
What I’m excited about/looking forward to:  Finally coming clean.  I'd like to hold out for 2 more weeks.
Maternity Clothes:  Not yet.
Symptoms: Feeling ill all the time, tired, oh so very tired and acne.  YAY!
Belly Button in or out?:  In. I don't see this changing.
Food Cravings/Aversions: Had a big thing of ice cream and apple crisp yesterday (see Weight Gain) and it was AMAZING.  Plain vanilla ice cream never tasted so good.
What I miss:  Semi-clear skin instead of what I've got going on right now.
Milestones:  None to speak of.  Pretty sure the heart beat is audible this week!

Week 7

Orginally written 10/3

We finally told a few people over the weekend and twice now I have had someone tell me I've been "glowing" and I have no idea what that means!  Or how to stop it!

If I do this pregnant thing again, I will be more firm in telling people that we're not going public with the info yet.  I had someone RUN to me, give me a HUGE hug and SCREAM "you're pregnant?!" at a party in front of a bunch of people.  My 9-year old niece was standing right there and we all know how kids can be (God love 'em) so I had to tell her that yes, I am pregnant, but it's kind of a secret right now.  She seemed confused.


How far along?:  7 weeks
Total weight gain/loss:  Maybe a pound or 2 but no real change.
The Bump:  I've read in books and the doctor confirmed that since I did this once already my bump will show sooner which depresses me in a way.  I also read that I'll probably be in maternity clothes by 4 months (compared to 6+ months with Addy).  I know I'm older and that things are stretched out but I can't help but be a little sad that it's all happening so quickly.
What I’m excited about/looking forward to:  Oddly, being able to just tell everyone finally.  No more hiding!
Maternity Clothes:  Not yet, but I did buy a cute t-shirt over the weekend.
Symptoms: Sickness is here!  I remember it kicked in around 6 weeks with Addy too so that's the same.  If I'm not actually stuffing food in my face then I feel sick.  Hungry or full, I feel ill.  It's awesome...
Belly Button in or out?:  In. I don't see this changing.
Food Cravings/Aversions:  Got some tortilla soup over the weekend and it was great!  I still want comfort things, mostly soups and Sprite.
What I miss:  Having energy and not feeling ill.
Milestones:  None?  I think next week is heartbeat time though we won't hear it for 2 more weeks after that (10 weeks).

An Unexpected Change of Plans

Last Thursday I was called into my boss' office where he and the VP of Operations waited.  They closed the door and then started some speech that I don't quite remember that culminated in telling me that I was being laid off, effective immediately.

The VP left me with my boss where we talked for a minute about how it had nothing to do with my performance or anything about me but was about cost cutting even though I had more seniority than 2 other people in my department.

Then I went to my office, packed up my desk, said goodbye to a few people and left.

Here I am, 14 weeks pregnant, with no clue this was coming, no real prospects, and no paycheck.  Yes, I get unemployment but there's still a $1000 gap between where we were and where we will be now.

The plan is for me to look for a job but pull Addy out of daycare until something happens.  If nothing happens, they I do the stay-at-home Mom gig until after this baby is born and then hit it hard core after that.

For now, I get 3 days where Addy is still in daycare and I get to wallow a little bit.

So far my wallowing has included getting dinner in the crock, doing laundry, cleaning and an occasional nap.

T-minus 39 Days

That's right people, in case you hadn't counted, Christmas is a mere 39 days away and I. am. freaking. out.

Since C & I have the new (and relatively big) house, we've been selected to host this year, which is fine.  It makes the most sense since we have the big family room and plenty of seating (except for dinner).  But I keep stressing about what we'll cook, what people should bring, what we can make ahead of time, and exactly how much of things do we need for the roughly 27 people that will be at our house?

C & I have already figured out that we'll need 2 mains, so probably a turkey and either a ham or a pork loin.  Mashed potatoes of course, probably a stuffing, vegetable, apps, salad, desserts, etc.  It's really like another Thanksgiving.  It figures that all the recipes I like the sound of will need the oven.  That's not going to work.

Add to all this that C & I actually really like to cook and we are trying to figure out what we want to do ourselves, and what we want to hand off.  I'll be doing tons of research this year, trying to figure out how to utilize crockpots for things.

This year is going to be extra hard as it's the first year without my mom.  I think it mega-sucks that she never saw our house, that I was never really able to show off to her what a great cook I am (and a humble one!) and my pride in my home and family.

In addition to food, I also get the responsibility of basically planning festivities.  Do we want to carry on some traditions or let some go?  And I know I have help but it feels like as the only biological female, it's on my shoulders.

I've already accepted that no matter what I do it won't be quite right.  It's only the first one.  We can tweak as we go.

But I can promise some kick ass food.

Week 6

Originally written 9/26

I actually look forward to these little updates!  Technically, 6 weeks is tomorrow, but it's so much easier to remember to do it on Mondays.

There's not much difference between this week and last week and I suspect things will stay that way for a while.

How far along?:  6 weeks
Total weight gain/loss:  Still weighing in around 130.
The Bump: I'm convinced it's already there and it's already huge.  Pants feel a little tighter when sitting and my side view has definitely changed.  I should point out that C thinks I'm nuts and no one else has said a word but if I already feel this big, this will be a loooong 9 months.
What I’m excited about/looking forward to:  No change from last week, my first doctor appointment!  I just want it confirmed and to make it real!
Maternity Clothes:  Not wearing yet, but I bought a pair of maternity jeans on clearance over the weekend.  I should bust out the bin they're all stored in and take inventory.  I'm pretty sure I don't have much in the way of winter clothes and its freaking me out.
Symptoms:  Tired and feeling a little pulling if I move the wrong way.  Kind of a strain.  Had too much caffeine this morning and felt a little sick after but please to report that the sickness has stayed away so far.
Belly Button in or out?:  In. I don't see this changing.
Food Cravings/Aversions:  Comfort food like casseroles and soups.  Oh, and Mexican food.  We finally had some Saturday night which helped but I really want a bowl of tortilla soup.
What I miss:  Having a glass of wine with dinner.
Milestones:  Just the first doctor's appointment!

Symptoms

Everyone talks about morning sickness (which is a misnomer and can strike at any time of the day, mine is more "evening sickness") and fatigue as pregnancy symptoms, which are both true.  But I don't know if people mention "pregnancy brain" or hormones as much, though I'm here to tell you that both are real.

Example: C & I watch the show "The Sing Off" on NBC, Monday nights.  I really enjoy watching the groups perform completely a capella (meaning - no instruments, only voices) and admiring the skills it take to replicate instruments with only your voice.  The performances are, most of the time, amazing and you don't even really notice the fact that there's no guitar present.

Anyway, there's a girl group on there, Delilah, and they are SO good.  They give new meaning to that old phrase "Girl Power" but unfortunately they weren't quite good enough and went home this week.  I watched the show last night on the DVR and started tearing up during their performance.

They were singing Aerosmith's "Dream On", not exactly a tear inducing song.

But I remember watching them and thinking, "These girls are singing their ASSES off.  They want it SO badly.  Look at them!  And they're so good!  I'm so sad that they're going home!  They worked SO hard!" etc.

What a stupid thing to cry over and yet, there I was, trying not to actually cry and feeling so sad for these girls.

I should point out that in addition to some raging hormones, I was so tired that I was in bed, with the lights out, by 8:45pm.

And there's that fatigue for ya.

Week 5 Revisited

Happy 12 weeks!  This entry originally written 9/22...

I will admit to stealing borrowing this from another blogger I follow, so credit where credit is due.  

I thought it would be fun to document this pregnancy this way.  With Addy, I didn't keep much track other than my old blog, and I didn't even come clean there until 12 weeks or so.  I did start a journal for Addy which I still update (when I have time) to this day.  The first entries are "Dear Baby" since we didn't have a name.  I love looking back on them to see how things were going.

I made my doctor appointment for my first check next week.  Since it's so early, things don't really seem real yet.  Nothing's really going on other than some slight nausea and a wee bit of cramping.  Oh, and being tired.  All. The. Time.  That never really went away with Addy so I don't expect this to be any different.

The nurse called me yesterday to get some info and made my official due date May 24.  C is just happy that it's close to our anniversary so he doesn't have to remember a new date!

Ok, here we go!

How far along?:  5 weeks
Total weight gain/loss:  None of note.
The Bump: Hopefully non-existent at this point.  I'm completely terrified of showing early, before I'm ready to tell people.
What I’m excited about/looking forward to:  My first doctor appointment!  I just want it confirmed and to make it real!
Maternity Clothes:  None yet, though I have been wearing my smaller sized pants more often knowing that they won't fit much longer.  I have a range of sizes to work through before switching to full on maternity clothes.
Symptoms:  Tired, tired.  I almost fell asleep in a meeting yesterday.  In my defense, it was after lunch.  Night classes are going to be the worst!  A small amount of nausea but really nothing big.  A little cramping, but same story.  Just normal aches and pains.
Belly Button in or out?:  In. It stayed in the whole time with Addy and it better stay that way this time too!
Food Cravings/Aversions:  I have been on a buffalo sauce kick lately but that's about it.  Since it's cooling off and fall is beginning, I'm getting into baking mode again.
What I miss:  Being able to watch a movie all the way through, but that's actually nothing new.
Milestones:  Just the first doctor's appointment!

Week 5

Originally written 9/19

I found out yesterday that I'm pregnant!  It's completely surreal.  C was overjoyed which was so nice to see.  He gave me a huge hug and kiss and we talked about it randomly throughout the day.  Things like, "You know, even pregnant you still have to change Addy's diapers" or "What do you mean I only get one cup of coffee?!"

I have to admit that while I'm excited (this is exactly what we wanted and tried for!), I'm also scared.  Which is weird because I've done this before.

But I'm scared about how our little family will change and scared about money and how Addy will cope and how I'll make it through 10 more weeks of my  night class and when do I tell people and it goes on and on...

I have only told one person so far.  It's like I want to keep it in this protective bubble for as long as I can.  I keep looking at calendars figuring out when is the proper time to tell people.  I am thoroughly bothered that I might start to show earlier this time and I want to keep it under wraps for as long as possible.


For now, important dates!  Due Date: May 22nd.  Date we enter Tri 2: Nov. 8 (Election Day)  Day I will probably spill the beans: 10/28 or 10/31.

Birthday, Halloween, and Secrets

My birthday went off pretty much as I suspected it would.  C & Addy let me sleep in until the very late time of 8:30am (which actually is pretty late considering Addy was up at 6am) and then they took me out for breakfast, which was delicious.  

We hit Target then home for Addy's nap.  I did laundry, we eventually did the grocery shopping and C cooked dinner.  Pretty standard Sunday really.

When I was a kid, my birthday was the BEST time of the year.  I have a love for Fall that no other season can replace and my birthday being in the fall is like icing on the cake (heh, the BIRTHDAY cake).  My parents put all 5 of us kids through private, Catholic school and we used to get Holy Days of Obligation off school.  It turns out that November 1 is a HDoO, All Saint's Day. 

So imagine you're about 7.  It's your birthday, then the very next day is HALLOWEEN!  And then, just when it couldn't get better, you have the next day off.  What a great 3 days!

Yesterday was not as exciting as when I was around 7.  Instead of trick or treating and staying up late, I had to go to class and NOT take Addy out.  C didn't take her out either, so I guess I didn't really miss anything.  And today I'm at work so my life is not living up to my childhood expectations.

BUT, today is a great day because I can finally reveal that I am 11 weeks pregnant and Addy is going to be a Big Sister!  DD is 5/22 which makes this baby a First anniversary present and C extremely grateful that he doesn't need to remember another important date.

I've been keeping a log, posting each week without posting publicly.  I'll be posting those updates randomly until we get caught up.  It starts at Week 5 and details how I'm feeling, what I'm experiencing and what I'm looking forward to.  It's kind of funny how it changes week to week.

So watch for those and Happy (late) Halloween!

I Am Lame

Sunday is my birthday!  My 32nd birthday to be exact.  Usually I approach my birthday with the glee of a 7-year-old, where I can't wait to see all the birthday wishes and cards and whatever presents happen to come my way (hint, hint).  

Last year I took over the entire day and told C exactly what I wanted to do.  We went outlet shopping, then had amazing burgers at The Blue Door Pub, then we walked over to Sweets Bakeshop for dessert.  That night we suckered my brother and SIL into watching Addy while C & I had a glass or 2 of wine and just spent some QT together.  It was great.

This year all my gusto seems to have disappeared.  I've barely made any plans and I certainly have not planned out an entire day.  When C asked me what I wanted to do my response was, "Sleep in and go out for breakfast".  Literally.

Side note: I really, really want to go out for breakfast and I'm not sure why.  We never do and it just seems so decadent.  Plus, breakfast time has the best food.  Omelets, French Toast, Cinnamon rolls, etc.  

Other than that, I've made no demands other than entertaining the idea of ordering chinese food for dinner one night.  And C will probably let me choose the movie this weekend.  If we watch a movie, that is.

Perhaps, at my ripe old age of 32 years, I've lost my oomph.  Maybe this year is just an off year.  Who knows?  But I will definitely enjoy my coffee and eggs at my Birthday Breakfast!

One of My Favorites

C & I have been missing each other a lot in the past few weeks due to my class, his conferences, baby sales, and he went to a Volunteer Firefighter info session one night too.  This means a lot of single parenting, which isn't all bad.  Sometimes it's nice to get Addy all to myself for a bit.

I think that C & I have our roles in place now.  He's the player and I'm the snuggler.  She comes to me to snuggle on the couch and read together and we watched Aladdin for a bit together the other night.  She goes to C to color or run around out back.

It's not to say that C doesn't snuggle her or I don't play with her but more often, this is how we bond with our daughter.

Anyway, last night I was Single Mom so I whipped together an easy and tasty meal for me and Addy and I thought I would share.  I seriously LOVE Meatloaf.  I don't know what it is but it is DELICIOUS to me.  But only homemade and with ketchup.  I typically won't order it when I'm out to eat but someone else's house?  I'm all over it.  My mom used to make the BEST meatloaf and we have never figured out her recipe.  I only know that it had oatmeal in it for binder.


This is not my mom's recipe, but it IS tasty!

1 lb ground beef or turkey
1/2 box of stuffing mix (I like the chicken or turkey flavor)
1 egg
1/4c warm water
1/4c ketchup
* you can add in onions or celery or whatever else you like but I usually stop here

Mix it all up and place in a muffin tin.  I get 9 meatloaf "muffins" per batch.  Top with ketchup if desired and bake at 400F for 20 minutes.

The thing I like about muffins is the portion size.  One is perfect for Addy, 2 for me, 3 for C.  Addy actually ate almost 2 whole muffins last night, she really liked the meatloaf!

I served this with salad and some mashed potatoes and Addy and I had a great dinner!

This Is A Test

We had our first test in class last night and I'm ashamed to say it didn't go as well as it could have.

The truth is that I really did study.  I spent hours going over notes and problems from HW assignments and in class examples.  I did neglect to open the book because I figured that whatever he wanted us to know, he would have covered in class.  I did lots of problems trying to get the repetition in my brain.  I didn't think I would get a 100% or anything but I felt prepared and ready and somewhere in the 80% range.

And then I actually took the test and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to end up in the 60% range, which is not a good start.  

See, this was supposed to be MY test.  This is the first one, and the easiest one.  This was supposed to set me up in a great way for the rest of the class.

So what happened?

Well, it's clear I should have done problems from the book.  I would have seen a broader range of problems preparing me for anything.  And apparently, he doesn't have to cover things in class that he is going to put on the test.  We had a topic in our notes (the hand outs we get) that he NEVER addressed in class.  So I didn't think it was important so I didn't study it.  WRONG.  It was the last question and I couldn't do it to save my life.  1 Question blank, 10 points lost.

There was another problem that I just couldn't ever get straight.  I mean, if I had devoted an hour to just that problem, then maybe.  But I just decided that he probably wouldn't ask that and if he did I would just be screwed.  Welp, I'm screwed.  Another 10 points gone.

So even if I did perfectly on the other 8 questions, I'm only at 80%.  And let's be real, there's now way I did that well.

So now I'm mad and frustrated both in myself AND in the class.  I am just so worried about this being a waste of money and time and I would hate for that to be true.

All Hail the Birthday Girl!

My birthday is in just over 2 weeks and I can tell that C is stressed about what to get me.  He's been talking about it since August (!) but apparently has never gotten to a concrete idea.

So to make things easier on him, I heard on the radio that Les Miserables is playing in Minneapolis in December, so I told him to just get tickets for that and we'd go to dinner and have a nice night.  And all seemed great.  You could almost see the relief wash over him.

Until we looked at ticket prices.  Man.  For 2 tickets to a Friday or Saturday show, dinner out, and a babysitter, we're looking at a $300+ night!  We can't afford that, birthday or not!

Back to the drawing board.  For a while, C thought he would get me shoes, which I get.  I mean, I need new work shoes, but the way I look at it, those are something I'm going to buy anyway.  Shouldn't birthdays be about something I'd never buy for myself but want?

Then I heard on the radio again (It's 30-40 mins each way to work) that Aziz Ansari is doing a stand up show at Treasure Island Casino in a few weeks.  Tickets are much more reasonable for this show and a night out should cost us less than $150 if we're smart about it.  Plus, he likes Aziz too so it's really a date night for both of us and my birthday is the reason we get to go out.

So yay!  A night out, a ton of laughs, and all because I was born!  Can't beat that!

Baby Sale

I've managed to find out about 2 different groups that do kids consignment sales in the Twin Cities and they have been LIFE SAVERS.  Or maybe I should call them Dollar Savers.

I don't think any sale will ever beat that first one.  I don't know if I was just excited but we had the best luck that sale.  We had recently visited a friend's house and they had this playhouse thing that Addy played with for over an hour one day.  If you have a kid, you know how significant that is.  But the house brand new is around $70-90!  So C & I made it our mission to find one at the baby sale.

We did!  I think we paid $25 for it.  SCORE!

C & I have since developed a strategy.  He takes Addy (usually in the backpack carrier) and looks at all the big toys, the strollers and the little toys.  I run off and do clothes and shoes.  Usually he'll finish first and come find me and then we'll take Addy out of the carrier and he'll let her explore the big toys again until I'm done.

There's another one this weekend near my work so C is picking Addy up from daycare and taking her home so that I can hit the sale on the way home.  Being by myself means I won't buy any new toys probably but I'll come home with winter clothes for Addy and they also carry maternity clothes (never hurts to be prepared).

For those of you with kids, the two organizations are: Munchkin Markets (MN only) and Just Between Friends (24 States). Hope this helps someone as much as it's helped us!

I Got Better

Whenever I try to think of clever titles, it's like this monumental task.  My last post was all whiny and "Why me" so I thought I would let you know that I'm better now.  Which got me thinking about Monty Python where they're trying the witch and the guy's all like, "She turned me into a newt!" and everyone looks at him and he says, sheepishly, "I got better..."

So, I'm better.  This whole family/work/class/life thing is getting to me for sure.  It's hard leaving the house at somewhere around 6:45am and not pulling back into my driveway until 13+ hours later.  I miss my family, I am tired, and I feel guilty.

Guilty because C is picking up the slack from me being gone.  He's Single Dad 2 nights a week, cooking dinner, entertaining Addy, cleaning up, getting her off to bed, etc.  


What I need to focus on is that in 2 months, this will all be over.  The class will be done and we can try to resume our normal lives where I'm home after work.  Dec. 12th is the last class and I will have a final after that but that will be the last night I spend in a classroom for a while.  I'm not signing up for another class when this one is over.  Not for a while.


It's time to enjoy my family.

In Which I Complain A Lot

I might actually throw up today.  Wouldn't that be lovely?  I feel awful.  I felt bad last night and wanted to do nothing more than lie on the couch feeling sorry for myself but I have a 2.5-year-old and she won't let me.

Oh, and by the way, I don't know if it's a 2.5-year-old phase or what but she repeats everything 17 TIMES until you finally snap and yell, "YES ADDY, YOU CAN GO UPSTAIRS!" and then you feel bad cause you yelled and it's a mess.

In addition to feeling ill, I forgot my lunch today.  Those normally wouldn't go together but I had some crackers in there that I could be eating to see if it helped but now I can't.  And I have nothing.  No apple, lunch, snacks, etc.  It's just sitting at home on the counter going bad.

Oh, and it's my long day where I have class tonight and skipping it is NOT AN OPTION so hopefully I start to feel better or class will suck hardcore.

PS.  I have homework due that I have barely started which is my own fault but we seriously turned in our last assignment 1 week ago and now another one is due?!

PPS.  Yes, I am a horrible whiny baby.  Deal.

Drama

Addy has this book entitled, "Llama, Llama, Red Pajama" which is a very cute story about a little llama who doesn't want to go to sleep.  It all rhymes and Addy loves to sing-song along with the verses.

Llama, llama red pajama
Reads a story with his mama
Mama kisses baby's hair
Mama Llama goes down stairs

As the story progresses, the llama wants his mom and becomes scared when she doesn't come back and fears that she's gone forever.  She runs back upstairs and scolds him, "Baby Llama what a tizzy!  Some times mama's very busy.  Please stop all this llama drama and be patient for your mama".

Anyway, the point is that there's some crap going on at work today and I just want to tell everyone to stop the drama.  The jist is that we're having a baby shower for a girl at work who is expecting her first baby.  We kind of put out feelers to see if there was interest and one lady said that she wasn't going to participate because she couldn't really afford to give $20.  The co-organizer told her she didn't have to come and not to worry.

Well, now the first lady is upset that she's not invited and it's a huge misunderstanding.  We're definitely not telling people they can't come.  I'm not going to stand at the door and turn people away just because they didn't contribute.  Its' about wishing a new mother well.


Ugh.  Please stop all this llama drama!

PS.  I visited the website and saw there's a book called, "Llama Llama Mad at Mama" and I'm dying to know why the little llama is so mad!

Oh My Gosh

I made this White Chicken Chili for dinner last night and words can't even express how good I thought it was (C agreed and Addy ate a whole [little] bowl)!

I mean, I could try to tell you things like

• fighting over leftovers
• licking my bowl clean (that happened)
• stealing bites from my daughter (bad momma!)
• wishing I had made 1.5x the recipe instead of just one regular batch

but I suppose you'll just have to make it and see for yourself!

I hope you like it as much as I do!

Note: Instead of whipping cream I just added in about a cup of shredded white (Mexican blend) cheese and it didn't seem to matter.  We topped our bowls with cilantro, more cheese and crumbled tortilla chips and then had crusty rolls with it.

Here's the Thing

I never should have told anyone that we were even thinking about getting pregnant.  I feel like everyone is watching me and waiting for us to make an announcement.

And to be honest, it takes some of the thrill out of it then.  Because when it happens and it's finally time to tell people, I'm going to hear "Yeah, I thought you were" a lot.  I mean, I don't know for sure but I'm pretty sure that's how it's going to go.

I feel like I'm under more scrutiny now, like people are watching to see if I'm eating or extra tired or gaining weight.  I also feel like when I'm pregnant, I'll want to keep it to myself a bit and savor it and maybe I won't be able to because someone will have figured the whole thing out.

It's this fine line between wanting to share news (we want to get pregnant!) and wanting to enjoy it for a while.

And the real question is, should I even care?  Who cares if someone figures it out, it doesn't mean it doesn't matter.  It doesn't make me any less excited.

But I still think I should have kept my stupid mouth shut.

Totally random and quick, but I made this for dinner last night and it was good!  C even went back for seconds, which is semi-rare for him.

Some alterations I made included, adding garlic and mushrooms and diced tomatoes to the sauce mixture so it would be more chunky and sauteeing the peppers right with the rest of the stuff.  Oh, and I used ground turkey in an effort to be healthy.  I also added a few spices since the recipe really didn't call for any like Italian spice and garlic powder.

It ended up kind of juicy, so next time I'll be sure to drain the canned tomatoes first and also drain the cooking juices before adding everything else.

Oh, and I think cost-wise it clocks in around $6-7 depending on what you have on hand and what you choose to add.  If you grew the zucchini and chose to omit mushrooms it'd be very affordable.


Enjoy!

Why Kids?

As C & I work on getting pregnant (which is another post - about when to tell people when it's actually happened), I ponder all the time about what life will be like with another child.  And if we can handle it, and if Addy will still get the attention she deserves and the fears go on and on.

But I read an article the other day that got me thinking.  The author threw out the questions, "Why have kids?" because it seemed to her that kids were really just little life ruiners and it was totally not worth it.  She cited tired parents, lack of money or sex or alone time, messes, horrible temper tantrum-throwing monsters, disrespectful teenagers, etc.  She had SO many reasons about why kids really were the worst thing a loving couple could ever do to themselves.

Well, it's one of those things that you'll never understand until you actually have one.  You can't imagine the joy you feel when they run to you or take your face in their hands, look into your eyes and kiss you.  Or how proud you feel when they figure something out that you've been trying to teach them.

But let's get practical for a minute.  The way I see it, kids are the greatest thing I'll ever do with my life.  

People like you and me, we're not world-changers.  We're not flying down to Haiti to help them clean up or feeding starving children in Africa.  We're not genuises who will come up with the next brilliant idea that will forever change the way we do something.  In short, my name isn't going down in history as some visionary or do-gooder.

I'm ok with that.  I do what I can, when I can.  But having a kid, it's my accomplishment.  I get to raise this child to be the best human being she can possibly be.  I get to put all my hopes and dreams into her (trying not to stifle her) and then watch her go into the world and see what she does.

I may not change the world, but maybe she will.  Or maybe she'll be like me, a loving, working mother who loves her children fiercely.   And I'll have created that.  That is why I do it.

And Here I Thought I Was Doing Pretty Well

I had a friend in town over the past long weekend and we had a good time hanging out with our kids and together and showing her the city and our new house.  We went to a family BBQ after they flew out and had a good time visiting with everyone and left after a few hours.

As we left my cousin's wife said, "I'm sorry you're so sad" to me and it has stuck with me ever since.  I asked C about it because I honestly felt like I was doing ok.  I didn't feel like I was wearing this cloak of sadness that everyone could see any longer.  He told me that he thinks I am sad but it's only because he sees me everyday and knows me that well.

I feel this weird pressure to be sad but not.  Like, there's some level of sadness or some period of grieving that is deemed acceptable but I don't know how much it is.  

And having written that, I can see how silly it is to base my emotions on what other people think of me.  But I don't want people to think that I'm totally fine now and think that I don't miss my mom.  On the other hand, I don't want people to think I'm crying myself to sleep every night.

The truth is this: I miss her.  I miss her every. single. day.  I hate not being able to talk to her and tell her what's going on in my life.  I hate that she never saw my house or got to meet any of her future grandchildren.  I hate that life is still going on and she's missing everything and we're missing her.

BUT, I don't let it run my life.  I don't let it stop me from enjoying company or cracking a joke or living my life.  

I SO wish that she was still around but I can't dwell on the fact that she's not.

And I think that puts me in exactly the right place.

I couldn't decide if my job was making me unhappy or if I was unhappy at my job because of everything else.  It's sometimes hard to see through everything going on to the root of the problem.

Am I unhappy about my mom, which is affecting everything else in my life or am I truly unhappy at my job?

But everything else seems fine.  I love our house, I love my little family, and I think that I'm doing pretty well all things considered.

But I hate my job.  I decided today after some BS personnel moves that make no sense.

The bad part is that I have too much invested right now to make a change so I need to stick it out for a while longer.

And so we muddle through.

In Memoriam

It is still so new & all we see is the empty space, but that is not how it is in the landscape of the heart. There, there is no empty space & she still laughs & grapples with ideas & plans & nods wisely with each of us in turn. We are proud to have known her. We are proud to have called her friend.

- Brian Andreas

I found this when searching for a Story People print to hang in the house.  I have admired his work since my friend received a (different) print of his and hung it in her home.  Hers was about dealing with depression and it seemed to fit.  

 

I am considering getting this to honor my mom but I'm having issues with the wording.  First, I would prefer it to say Mom instead of friend at the end.  And second, while I like the text, I feel that there is something that would describe my Mom better.  It's not that I didn't think that she was wise or smart, but she was fun, and bright, and SO musical.  

 

I almost always have a difficult time finding the perfect thing to represent my feelings.  It's like I get something stuck in my head, even if it's just some feelings or words and I always have a hard time making it reality or finding the representation.

I wish I could remember the Bible reading we chose for her service.  I'm pretty sure it was the end of the Book of Isaiah but my stupid filter at work won't let me access anything that would confirm that.

 

I want to honor her in my home in some way but I really can't figure out how...

Class

For reasons I'm not going to get in to right now, starting next week I'll be taking a night class at the U of MN and I. am. NERVOUS.

It's been a really long time since I've been in school/class and I'm worried that I'll be the only person older than 30 there, that I wont' be able to keep up, that no one will want to study with me, that it will be too much, etc.

The timing's not great with me trying to get all pregnant, but I found the class and talked to C and decided to go for it.  It's going to be hard on our little family with me being gone 2 nights a week and C having to pick up the slack.

It means that I'll miss family dinners and putting Addy down with stories and kisses and who knows how much more of my time will be eaten up with studying.  I have no idea what to expect but there are also benefits.

I plan to ask for a raise when it's done.  I will become more marketable for jobs.  It will be done.

I'm nervous as hell but I also realize what a good thing this is so I will push through.  12 weeks isn't that long anyway.

Things that are Happening

In an effort to return to normal (?), here's an update on my life...

We are officially "trying" to get pregnant.  But considering that we were actively trying NOT to get pregnant with Addy, I'm unsure how this will go.  For a couple months I suppose we'll just see what happens.  I'd definitely like it to happen sooner, rather than later.

We have been in the house since Saturday and we are slowly making headway and unpacking.  My brother and SIL helped us a TREMENDOUS amount over the weekend and it's much better than it would have been.  We got all new bedroom furniture (a real grown-up matching set!) plus a mattress and it's awesome.  I'm still not crazy for the wall color but I'll survive (C won that battle).

We are keeping a list of things that need to get done which so far includes: install a garbage disposal, get new windows, install overhead lights in all the bedrooms (who thought they wouldn't be needed?!), get new garage door opener, clean gutters, etc.  We have some busy weekends ahead of us.

I'm still not happy in my job, which I touched on yesterday.  The thing about it is that I can't figure out if it's because I don't like it anymore or if it's because of my mom and all the things associated with that.  I will admit that one thing I realized I don't like is that there don't seem to be clear lines about who does what.

I lean towards Type A with regards to work and my duties.  I don't like it when people do the things that I'm supposed to do or overstep their boundaries (I guess they'd be my boundaries).  I want to be allowed to do my job and not have someone doing it for me or questioning me on it.  I also want to be trusted to perform my job.  If you ask me to do something, allow me to do it.  I don't like that things change so much here with who does what.

Now, I feel like I should also say that I'm not one of those "that's not my job" people.  I rarely pass the buck, I do what's asked of me or I figure out who I'm supposed to ask.  It's just that lines are so blurred here.

We're switching daycares in about 2 1/2 weeks.  This one will be SO much closer to our house and it's $20/week less!  Now, C & I can share the drop off/pick up duties which will take the load off me.  I'm just dreading breaking the news to our current provider.  She's not going to be happy and I'm fully expecting tears.

And that's your update.

I keep coming here to post and I have no idea what to say.

We moved and I love having a house now, even with all the work that comes with it.

There's still a pall that hangs over everything I do and that kind of sucks but I understand that it will take time for that to ease.

Work still sucks and I have had no drive lately to get things done.  I'm skating by with the bare minimum at the moment.  That's not like me at all.

I saw the therapist again and I'm not sure what I'm getting out of it other than a place to talk.  I've got another appointment in 2 weeks so we'll see.

I just don't know.

One Month

I want to write but I often don't know what to write.  It's been one month today since we lost my mom.  Since the last time I was able to speak with her and tell her I love her.

I remember that we were going to grab some lunch and try to let my mom rest, because she didn't want to sleep until she'd seen us all.  So we talked to the nurse and then I told my mom that they were giving her some morphine and that we were going to leave her alone for a while so she could rest.  She said ok and probably gave me a thumbs up, because that was what she did.  And I told her I loved her as I walked out of the room and she mouthed it back to me and that was the last time.

We didn't know, as we went to lunch, that she would basically take a turn for the worse, that we would pretty much never speak to her again.  She was still coherent afterward, but she steadily declined as time went on.  

I miss her every day.  Even when I forget, I still miss her.  It's not fair to lose her so suddenly and so young.

I didn't know that today would be so hard.  I didn't realize that I would cry at my desk.

What Happens?

What happens when you have one week until closing on your house, your husband is out of town unexpectedly, you're thinking about getting pregnant, you're thinking about starting night classes, you're searching for a new daycare and you're still grieving?

You show up for your 5pm therapy appt. at 4pm and then have to reschedule...

Stress, it's what's for dinner!

Things have been okay around here.  We're preparing for the big move this weekend though, thankfully we don't NEED to be out of our place until Aug. 31.  We're hoping to be out next week (if C's schedule permits him to clean the old place) and we also plan to be sleeping in our new place by Saturday night.

I think it's do-able.

We've been making steps almost every day for the move, all without me taking off work.  We bought paint and supplies, we bought a brand new bedroom set and a new mattress set (Side note: I absolutely can not wait to sleep on this new mattress set).  We've got just about all the rooms and furniture figured out except for the family room.  I'd love to find a sectional to put in there.

We had a Memorial for my mom over the weekend and it was a nice party.  Tons of people and tons of food and the bar even donated a keg so the beer was flowing.  She would have loved it.

A Change

Hopefully you managed to find your way over here from Destination: Married.  I changed the blog name because it didn't seem fitting any longer.  I'm trying to make changes too with archiving all my wedding talk to one section and all that.

More to come soon but for now, welcome to the new blog!

Hard

This weekend was hard.  There were times I missed my mom so much it hurt.  

We had a family reunion of sorts, an annual picnic we all attend.  Our extended family isn't that close, so we only see each other at weddings, funerals, and this damn picnic.  Oh, they meant well but every year it's the same awkward, "Who are you again?  Who's kid?" and this year it was exceptionally difficult.

My brother said something that rang so very true with me.  He said, "The woman that was in that hospital bed, the one I watched [pass away] was not my mother.  (She looked so different in the end and lost a lot of her strength.)  So even though I watched it happen, it's like Mom's just on vacation right now and she'll be waiting at the house when I call or I'll see her next week when we have pizza."  And we agreed that due to this, we're still in a sub-conscious denial about the whole thing.

This family reunion was so weird and hard without her there.  Because she would have been there.  Camped out in her chair with a wine cooler in her hand.  Jumping up to hug everyone as they came in.  Fussing over the lay out of the food and making "mmmm" noises.  Every time I turned around it was like this sock in the gut that she wasn't there.  

We also had some guests in from out of town and they hadn't seen me since "before".  I asked C to make sure they knew (they're his relatives) because I didn't want them asking how she was doing.  I didn't need to worry about that, but from now on I know that when I see someone that I'll have to go through it again.  And they don't mean any harm, but they make comments about how fast it was or how they just saw her at the wedding and she looked great.  

I know that it's part of everything and I can only imagine how holidays and special days will be but it really, really sucks.

I Hate Work

I generally try hard not to say I hate things.  It's so absolute.  So instead I say I don't like them or I'm not pleased.  But I am so angry about my work. 

I also generally don't talk about my work, as I'm sure you've noticed.  I think it's not professional and a great way to get in trouble, if not fired.

But today, and for the last 2 weeks, I hate my job.

I hate everything about how they chose to deal with my mom's passing.  I hate that they only gave me one day of bereavement leave to "cope".  Seriously?!  Between actually dealing with it and planning a funeral and attending said funeral, one day does NOT cut it.  I hate that they told me to "take as much time as I needed" but then only paid me for one actual day.  How much sense does that make?

I hate that my boss made the decision to tell only the people that "needed to know" and have my card signed by only 16 people in a company of 130.  I don't work directly with all 130 but you can imagine the awkwardness of people not knowing and wondering where I was.  I hate that I had to explain.  

Call it selfish, but I also hate that someone else passed away (not a direct employee but someone we kind of knew) and there's a company wide e-mail sent out and a card in the break room.  A card that was hand delivered to multiple people and most didn't even actually know him.  

I hate that personal feelings come in to daily decisions about how the place is ran.  I hate that I'm second-guessed in my role here.  Either I can do it or I can't.  I hate that the boss' children are hired sans interviews and given titles like "Project Manager".  

I'm fully aware that I'm not in a great place right now, but none of this is helping lately.

But at least I'm able to vent here!

On Grieving

I conveniently saw my doctor the Wednesday after my mom passed (I hate the word died, it seems insensitive for some reason) and after I started crying in her office, she asked me what was wrong and then suggested I speak to a therapist.  I figured what the hell and scheduled an appointment that took place on Tuesday.

I should point out a few things.  I have never seen a therapist in my life and I suspect that hardly anyone in my family has either.  It's kind of taboo, something we associatedwith mental illness and weakness (no hate please).  We much prefer to suffer in silence and deal in our own ways.  We hardly ever talk about feelings.  I didn't tell my dad I loved him until 2001 (on the phone).  We'd always just say "Bye".

Because of this, and the way mid-westerners tend to be (it's that Lutheran background or something), I don't really express how I'm feeling at any given time.  C even tends to agree with that, telling me that it takes a lot to get inside me & my head.  So I felt pretty weird going and wondered just how it would go.


I'm still not sure how it went or even what I'm trying to get out of it.  I suppose I want validation for my feelings.  I want to be told that it's normal.  I want to be told that I'm reacting in a proper way, no matter what I'm doing.


There's such a stigma about grieving and I feel like I should have fallen apart and not showered or gotten out of bed for 3 days or something and I didn't.  And this was my own mother!


I'm seeing her again next week and we'll see how it goes.  At some point I need to figure out exactly what I want and if we're getting there.  I need to see if it's helping.

3 In 30

I recently read another blog that talked about setting goals and then blogging about them to stay accountable.  I thought that sounded like a good idea because just over the weekend C & I set a goal for ourselves.

So, our first goal is to radically cut spending for the month of August on clothes & shoes.  We went up to the outlets on Saturday because I wanted to.  I needed work pants and a distraction.  (Side note: the clothing industry has changed their sizes again because I bought TWO pairs of pants in a size 4.  I have NEVER been a size 4.  I don't think my body has changed much so I think sizes changed.)

Anyway, I was successful in finding 2 pairs of work pants and some other things, a few things for C and Addy too.  But over lunch, C & I talked about how we go shopping mostly out of boredom and we should really stop that.  Enter goal one.  I will not buy an article of clothing for the month of August.  The one exception is a swimsuit IF it's on clearance because none of mine fit very well.  And really I just need a top.

So no more clothes which really means no more trips to the mall just cause we're bored and it's hot outside.

Goal 2 is to move more.  When I get home from work I'm usually pooped and I don't play, I don't exercise, and I don't do much of anything unless it's my turn to cook.  So unless it's boiling outside or raining (both are possibilities) we should go for after dinner walks or just play bubbles outside.

Goal 3 has something to do with moving but I'm trying to figure out how to make it concrete.  I want something about packing, like I should pack one thing every day but I'm not sure that's a good goal.

And if we're adding on extra goals, I'd like to add Get Thank You cards done this month.  If I'm going to sit on the couch, I could at least do something productive.  Plus, I'd like to send them with "We've Moved!" cards.  2 birds and all that.