I have no idea why that's my blog title, I'm completely random today. I'm not into this whole "work" thing. I basically force myself to come here every day.
I keep having random thoughts like, "Mom will never see my house" - I always held out hope that she'd be ok enough to get in a car and come see the house after we closed and everything. I'm proud that we're doing all this and I wanted to show it to her as a sign that we're doing ok.
"How the hell are we going to do Christmas?!" I have a feeling that Christmas will be the worst. Mom used to be such a big part of it with the planning and gifts and everything. I don't feel that even with all of us tackling this that we'll be able to fill that gap.
Someone asked me how I was doing and I said that "every day gets a little better" but I don't necessarily feel that today is better than yesterday. I suppose that next week will be better than this week but individual days really suck. I think that the only thing worse than losing a parent must be losing a spouse or child. But this certainly ranks up in the top 3.
I keep thinking of things she'll miss now, like the birth of her next grandchild and how much I wanted to be able to tell her I was pregnant again (I'm not). I was looking forward to actually being around her this time for this pregnancy and birth. I had thoughts about having her in the delivery room with me and our being able to bond over all this.
I think it's confusing for the people I work with and for C since sometimes I am just fine and sometimes I'm sad or acting like a big ol' B. I hope it's more the former than the latter for both their sakes and mine. Not even I can predict how I will feel or act at a given time.
Sympathy cards are still trickling in and while it makes me cry to read them, it's amazing how many people want to show their support to me. I'm simply at awe. So thank you.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Still Just Okay
My body is craving sleep right now. I know it's a coping mechanism but sleep is all I want to do lately. I don't want to wake up at 5:15am, I don't want to stay up past 9pm, it's nuts. Every morning the alarm goes off and all I can think is, "Are you serious?!" It's like there's no possible way that it's already 5:15am and I'm still this tired.
The past 2 nights I've fallen asleep on the couch at 9pm. C just lets me, he doesn't quite get what I'm going through but he's being very patient and understanding.
My body is not craving food so much. Dinner is my best meal of the day, meaning that's when I eat the most, likely because C is with me. Breakfast is non-existent and lunch is miniscule. I don't really care. I mean, I am eating but mostly out of need.
Work still sucks. The first day back was the worst with half the people asking me if I was ok and half the people not knowing and wondering if I took a vacation for a week and how was it anyway? Awkward. I felt so lost the first day, not quite knowing what to work on, trying to fill in gaps of what had been covered for me and what needed to be done.
I have her memory card from the service in my office where I can see it all the time. I can't decide if it's a good idea or bad idea. I'd rather remember her like that instead of at the end anyway.
The past 2 nights I've fallen asleep on the couch at 9pm. C just lets me, he doesn't quite get what I'm going through but he's being very patient and understanding.
My body is not craving food so much. Dinner is my best meal of the day, meaning that's when I eat the most, likely because C is with me. Breakfast is non-existent and lunch is miniscule. I don't really care. I mean, I am eating but mostly out of need.
Work still sucks. The first day back was the worst with half the people asking me if I was ok and half the people not knowing and wondering if I took a vacation for a week and how was it anyway? Awkward. I felt so lost the first day, not quite knowing what to work on, trying to fill in gaps of what had been covered for me and what needed to be done.
I have her memory card from the service in my office where I can see it all the time. I can't decide if it's a good idea or bad idea. I'd rather remember her like that instead of at the end anyway.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Okay
That's my response to every person who asks, "How are you doing?" I mean, what am I supposed to say? I know they mean well and they probably wouldn't ask if they didn't care about me but it's a crappy situation and a crappy question.
Because the truth is that I don't think I've actually accepted it. I know that we had the service and I watched her go but it's not real. I keep thinking that I can't believe that I'll never see or talk to her again. That I'll never hear her answer the phone with that, "Hi Jacque!" she used to. It made me feel better just hearing it.
I see her everywhere. She's every woman I see. Someone dressed the way she would have at the store or an older woman who reminds me of her. I wonder if that's what she would have looked like at 70 or 80. All white hair with that grandma plumpness.
I think about calling her to ask her something or check in. Or e-mailing her. She almost always preferred to e-mail over call, which I thought odd. Even when it was time to tell us about the cancer's return, she sent an e-mail. Maybe she thought that was the best way to contact all of us at once rather than rehash it 4 times.
She always told me that she believed she wouldn't make it to 60. It was a feeling she had. I wish she wouldn't have given in to it, like it might have made a difference.
I made an appointment with a counselor. I thought it might do me some good. I'd actually been thinking about it for a while but made no steps to do anything about it.
Because the truth is that I don't think I've actually accepted it. I know that we had the service and I watched her go but it's not real. I keep thinking that I can't believe that I'll never see or talk to her again. That I'll never hear her answer the phone with that, "Hi Jacque!" she used to. It made me feel better just hearing it.
I see her everywhere. She's every woman I see. Someone dressed the way she would have at the store or an older woman who reminds me of her. I wonder if that's what she would have looked like at 70 or 80. All white hair with that grandma plumpness.
I think about calling her to ask her something or check in. Or e-mailing her. She almost always preferred to e-mail over call, which I thought odd. Even when it was time to tell us about the cancer's return, she sent an e-mail. Maybe she thought that was the best way to contact all of us at once rather than rehash it 4 times.
She always told me that she believed she wouldn't make it to 60. It was a feeling she had. I wish she wouldn't have given in to it, like it might have made a difference.
I made an appointment with a counselor. I thought it might do me some good. I'd actually been thinking about it for a while but made no steps to do anything about it.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Buying a House Means Buying Stuff!
Now that we're in escrow (meaning that both sides have reached an agreement but we haven't officially taken ownership of the property yet) I keep thinking about all the STUFF we need for the new place.
We currently live in a 2-bedroom, 1bath, approximately 1000-sq foot place right now. It's fine for us but it's admittedly small and cramped. And it doesn't have a linen closet for God's sake. But it worked for what we needed when we moved in.
We're upgrading to a 4-bedroom, 2.5 bath, 2300 square foot place in a little over a month and we are not even a little prepared to fill that space.
We have Addy's room set purchased and our plan is that our bed becomes the guest bed and we get to upgrade to a king size bedroom set. But we have to purchase said set. That, plus retaining the nursery furniture will take care of all the bedrooms.
We have one couch and one chair and ottoman set so that will take care of the living room but we'd really like to get a sectional for the family room since we suspect most of our time will be spent there. I want to get Addy another cubby system for that room too since a lot of her toys will end up there, I'm sure. We'll keep the crappy computer desk for the corner of that room since we won't really use it much but we need a desk and filing area.
We have a dining room set so at least that's covered. We have zero patio furniture, save for the 2 anti-gravity chairs I bought for C for his birthday one year and a grill. I'd like to get some chairs and a table for the deck so we can eat some dinners out there.
Lastly, we will eventually need furniture for the basement assuming C remodels it. But with 2 living room areas, what does the basement become?
Not to mention decorating. C & I do NOT have the same taste at all when it comes to art. He's all modern and photography and I'm all paintings and stuff. I have NO idea how this house (our house!) is going to look in the end.
We currently live in a 2-bedroom, 1bath, approximately 1000-sq foot place right now. It's fine for us but it's admittedly small and cramped. And it doesn't have a linen closet for God's sake. But it worked for what we needed when we moved in.
We're upgrading to a 4-bedroom, 2.5 bath, 2300 square foot place in a little over a month and we are not even a little prepared to fill that space.
We have Addy's room set purchased and our plan is that our bed becomes the guest bed and we get to upgrade to a king size bedroom set. But we have to purchase said set. That, plus retaining the nursery furniture will take care of all the bedrooms.
We have one couch and one chair and ottoman set so that will take care of the living room but we'd really like to get a sectional for the family room since we suspect most of our time will be spent there. I want to get Addy another cubby system for that room too since a lot of her toys will end up there, I'm sure. We'll keep the crappy computer desk for the corner of that room since we won't really use it much but we need a desk and filing area.
We have a dining room set so at least that's covered. We have zero patio furniture, save for the 2 anti-gravity chairs I bought for C for his birthday one year and a grill. I'd like to get some chairs and a table for the deck so we can eat some dinners out there.
Lastly, we will eventually need furniture for the basement assuming C remodels it. But with 2 living room areas, what does the basement become?
Not to mention decorating. C & I do NOT have the same taste at all when it comes to art. He's all modern and photography and I'm all paintings and stuff. I have NO idea how this house (our house!) is going to look in the end.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
TMI?
First things first, do you think I'm totally dating myself by titling my post TMI? I mean, who even says that anymore? But instead of talking about stupid swimsuits, I wanted to talk about all things girly today.
At the end of this week I will begin my last cycle of birth control and then it's baby time! It's so crazy that "the fall" we talked about for EVER is finally here! We have planned this out and it's finally time.
I keep questioning if this is the right thing to do. If it's the right time to bring another family member into the mix when we're purchasing a house and who knows what will change in 9 months? Can we afford to be making mortgage payments AND paying for daycare and the expenses of 2 kids?
On the flip side, can we afford to wait any longer? Addy will be 3 by the time this child is (supposed to be) born and that's about the biggest gap I'd like to have between kids. I still want them to play together and know each other growing up instead of having one gone to college while the other one is still too young to do anything cool.
C & I have always talked about having 3 kids but the more we talk about it the more I wonder if it's really what we'll end up with. I worry that 3 kids is too much, both timewise and money wise. I worry that splitting our attention 3 ways will be too much and then none of the kids will really get the attention they deserve. I worry even with just planning a second that Addy will feel neglected.
I know lots of families do it (heck, my own brother has 8 kids) but I just wonder what will be the right thing for us. Perhaps we'll never really know.
At the end of this week I will begin my last cycle of birth control and then it's baby time! It's so crazy that "the fall" we talked about for EVER is finally here! We have planned this out and it's finally time.
I keep questioning if this is the right thing to do. If it's the right time to bring another family member into the mix when we're purchasing a house and who knows what will change in 9 months? Can we afford to be making mortgage payments AND paying for daycare and the expenses of 2 kids?
On the flip side, can we afford to wait any longer? Addy will be 3 by the time this child is (supposed to be) born and that's about the biggest gap I'd like to have between kids. I still want them to play together and know each other growing up instead of having one gone to college while the other one is still too young to do anything cool.
C & I have always talked about having 3 kids but the more we talk about it the more I wonder if it's really what we'll end up with. I worry that 3 kids is too much, both timewise and money wise. I worry that splitting our attention 3 ways will be too much and then none of the kids will really get the attention they deserve. I worry even with just planning a second that Addy will feel neglected.
I know lots of families do it (heck, my own brother has 8 kids) but I just wonder what will be the right thing for us. Perhaps we'll never really know.
Monday, July 11, 2011
How It Went
I'm sure you're all curious about how the weekend went and I'm happy to report that it went VERY well! I'm SO proud of myself for being a great mommy!
Friday after work we cooked a quick dinner and then went to a softball game. I played and Addy watched. We didn't get home until after 8 so it was straight to bed for her and I got to relax for a bit before bed. I know that means that I didn't spend a ton of time with her but we spent the weekend pretty active and that was part of it.
Saturday she woke me up around 7:15 and we hung out but only for an hour or so. Then we both got dressed and headed to the Farmer's Market! That was awesome! There was so much good looking produce it made me wish I'd had more than just $13 to spend. We sat and shared a croissant and had a good time.
After that we headed to the library where I (finally) got my coffee and I let her play and look at books for a while. She started getting a little snotty there though (not sharing and not listening to me) so we headed home for lunch. We played until lunch (no TV or internet!) and then we both took naps. What? I needed it!
After naps we did the grocery shopping and then Target and then we made cookies together! Actually, I made the cookies and she counted scoops for me and watched. But it was still fun. Then dinner and play time and a bath and off to bed for her.
Sunday she let me sleep in til 7:30 and then we sat for a while. My Sunday morning ritual is to make coffee and read the paper while Addy watches educational shows like Martha Speaks and Super Why. Don't worry if you don't know what those shows are, that just means you don't have a child under the age of 5.
We finally got our acts together and went to visit my parents for a bit. My mom is home from the hospital which is nice but she's still on some pretty trippy drugs. She's in and out of it, sometimes very coherent and with it and sometimes not making any sense at all and forgetting in the middle of a sentence what she wanted to say. It's hard.
We ran 2 errands after that and then I took Addy to McD's for lunch. I don't really LOVE McD's but I think it's ok. She had chicken nuggets with apple slices and milk so we could have done a lot worse. Then I let her play in the Playplace for a while and she passed out in the car on the way home.
After her nap we got ready and went swimming at the Y! It was crazy hot all weekend so we weren't really going to go on walks or to the park. Plus, she loves swimming and it gets her active so it's a win-win.
Then, home to play for a bit, dinner and then clean up time until C got home. We watched a bit more TV yesterday but I needed to get a shower and cook dinner and stuff so it works out. Plus, I'd say we were pretty damn active to make up for it.
I really had a fun weekend with my daughter and I'm pretty proud of us. We did a lot together but it never felt over-whelming, you know? And she seemed pretty well behaved for the most part so I'm happy with her. Only 1 time out the entire weekend!
Tomorrow's entry? Swimsuit shopping, every woman's favorite!
Friday after work we cooked a quick dinner and then went to a softball game. I played and Addy watched. We didn't get home until after 8 so it was straight to bed for her and I got to relax for a bit before bed. I know that means that I didn't spend a ton of time with her but we spent the weekend pretty active and that was part of it.
Saturday she woke me up around 7:15 and we hung out but only for an hour or so. Then we both got dressed and headed to the Farmer's Market! That was awesome! There was so much good looking produce it made me wish I'd had more than just $13 to spend. We sat and shared a croissant and had a good time.
After that we headed to the library where I (finally) got my coffee and I let her play and look at books for a while. She started getting a little snotty there though (not sharing and not listening to me) so we headed home for lunch. We played until lunch (no TV or internet!) and then we both took naps. What? I needed it!
After naps we did the grocery shopping and then Target and then we made cookies together! Actually, I made the cookies and she counted scoops for me and watched. But it was still fun. Then dinner and play time and a bath and off to bed for her.
Sunday she let me sleep in til 7:30 and then we sat for a while. My Sunday morning ritual is to make coffee and read the paper while Addy watches educational shows like Martha Speaks and Super Why. Don't worry if you don't know what those shows are, that just means you don't have a child under the age of 5.
We finally got our acts together and went to visit my parents for a bit. My mom is home from the hospital which is nice but she's still on some pretty trippy drugs. She's in and out of it, sometimes very coherent and with it and sometimes not making any sense at all and forgetting in the middle of a sentence what she wanted to say. It's hard.
We ran 2 errands after that and then I took Addy to McD's for lunch. I don't really LOVE McD's but I think it's ok. She had chicken nuggets with apple slices and milk so we could have done a lot worse. Then I let her play in the Playplace for a while and she passed out in the car on the way home.
After her nap we got ready and went swimming at the Y! It was crazy hot all weekend so we weren't really going to go on walks or to the park. Plus, she loves swimming and it gets her active so it's a win-win.
Then, home to play for a bit, dinner and then clean up time until C got home. We watched a bit more TV yesterday but I needed to get a shower and cook dinner and stuff so it works out. Plus, I'd say we were pretty damn active to make up for it.
I really had a fun weekend with my daughter and I'm pretty proud of us. We did a lot together but it never felt over-whelming, you know? And she seemed pretty well behaved for the most part so I'm happy with her. Only 1 time out the entire weekend!
Tomorrow's entry? Swimsuit shopping, every woman's favorite!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Mommy & Me
C is out of town for a wedding this weekend so it's just me and Addy for basically 3 days. I'm excited and anxious about it all at the same time.
I love my daughter and I love spending time with her but I don't actually know how to spend 2 straight days with her. I know some of you SAHMs are laughing at me right now but remember, there are 168 hours in a week, I'm either traveling to and from work or working for 50 of those, another 70 are spent with Addy sleeping, and I barely see her in the mornings so on average I spend about 35 hours a week with her. Just barely 5 hours/day.
Sad, huh?
So I've been trying to think of things that she and I can do together and here's what I've come up with so far:
I don't want to chase her around the park because well, I just don't want to. I'm so lazy that I'd rather watch her run around but not actually move myself.
I don't actually know if it's true laziness. Either I'm seriously lazy or it's a product of the way I was raised. My parents did their parental duty, but for the most part left us alone. I can see the same traits in myself. It made me SO independent but it also made me a little distant from my own daughter.
So this weekend I'm challenging myself to fight those urges to leave her to her own devices or turn on Dora and actually, really spend time with her. Even if we're inside we can read books, color, play with playdough or her dollhouse or any of her thousands of toys. She will only be little for so long and I need to be a part of it while I can. All too soon she won't want me around anymore.
I'll let you know how I did on Monday.
PS. I realize that she also needs her own time and she can't be 100% dependent on me. My challenge is to not open the computer while she's around and actually get on the floor and play.
I love my daughter and I love spending time with her but I don't actually know how to spend 2 straight days with her. I know some of you SAHMs are laughing at me right now but remember, there are 168 hours in a week, I'm either traveling to and from work or working for 50 of those, another 70 are spent with Addy sleeping, and I barely see her in the mornings so on average I spend about 35 hours a week with her. Just barely 5 hours/day.
Sad, huh?
So I've been trying to think of things that she and I can do together and here's what I've come up with so far:
- Pool/swimming
- Library
- Grocery shopping (it has to be done)
- Visit my mom
- Take a walk to the park
- Visit the mall
- Make cookies
- Go paint pottery
I don't want to chase her around the park because well, I just don't want to. I'm so lazy that I'd rather watch her run around but not actually move myself.
I don't actually know if it's true laziness. Either I'm seriously lazy or it's a product of the way I was raised. My parents did their parental duty, but for the most part left us alone. I can see the same traits in myself. It made me SO independent but it also made me a little distant from my own daughter.
So this weekend I'm challenging myself to fight those urges to leave her to her own devices or turn on Dora and actually, really spend time with her. Even if we're inside we can read books, color, play with playdough or her dollhouse or any of her thousands of toys. She will only be little for so long and I need to be a part of it while I can. All too soon she won't want me around anymore.
I'll let you know how I did on Monday.
PS. I realize that she also needs her own time and she can't be 100% dependent on me. My challenge is to not open the computer while she's around and actually get on the floor and play.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
4 Days is a Long Time!
So much has happened in 4 days that I'm not even sure I can cover it all!
Friday was the home inspection, which went... OK. Our inspector was very thorough and very knowledgeable but every time he opened his mouth I just stressed. It was like dollar signs fell out of his mouth. We knew about the furnace and the siding and the windows but we were not aware that the garage door doesn't have an electronic eye or reverse function (read: it will squish and kill whatever gets in its way) so that HAS to be replaced. No question. Also, the deck IS NOT ANCHORED to anything! How do you even do that?!
And the siding isn't a little bad, it's mostly bad. Wood is considered rotten at 20% wet, our siding is 18%. Now, our siding isn't all wood but that gives you a comparison. And there's just no telling if the moisture got to the wood underneath unless you take off the siding. So it looks like we won't really be holding off on re-siding the house either.
Saturday we took Addy to the pool which she loved and then both she & I took a nap. We bought her a bedding set and set up her Big Girl Bed and she went to bed in it for the first time that night. She was excited at first about it but tried to get up a few times. All in all, I'd say the transition was fairly good but some rough spots. She was almost inconsolable for some reason last night.
Saturday night my dad called to let me know my mom went to the ER for dehydration and all around weakness (she hadn't had a full meal in 3 weeks and her fluid intake was severely decreased as well). She's been there ever since and I've visited almost every day. She is definitely getting better but for how long? And what happens when she goes home?
Sunday I was depressed so we walked around for a while and then I went to visit while Addy napped. We met up with family that night for small cook-out which helped some.
Monday we visited as a family and stayed for a while and then stayed home for the rest of the day. Pretty low key day.
And finally, yesterday we took Addy to daycare and C & I spent the whole day together which was really, really nice and just what we needed. We hit IKEA to look at things for the new house and GASP, actually agreed on a bedroom set! And then, after shopping for a bit we (are you ready?) SAW A MOVIE.
If you don't have kids then you won't understand but we haven't seen a movie since... 2009.
We saw Super 8 which was C's pick and the only one that worked with our timing. It was good but the "jumpy" kind of movie which scared me a lot.
I kind of ran out of steam for this post so that's my weekend report. Hope your holiday weekend was a good one!
Friday was the home inspection, which went... OK. Our inspector was very thorough and very knowledgeable but every time he opened his mouth I just stressed. It was like dollar signs fell out of his mouth. We knew about the furnace and the siding and the windows but we were not aware that the garage door doesn't have an electronic eye or reverse function (read: it will squish and kill whatever gets in its way) so that HAS to be replaced. No question. Also, the deck IS NOT ANCHORED to anything! How do you even do that?!
And the siding isn't a little bad, it's mostly bad. Wood is considered rotten at 20% wet, our siding is 18%. Now, our siding isn't all wood but that gives you a comparison. And there's just no telling if the moisture got to the wood underneath unless you take off the siding. So it looks like we won't really be holding off on re-siding the house either.
Saturday we took Addy to the pool which she loved and then both she & I took a nap. We bought her a bedding set and set up her Big Girl Bed and she went to bed in it for the first time that night. She was excited at first about it but tried to get up a few times. All in all, I'd say the transition was fairly good but some rough spots. She was almost inconsolable for some reason last night.
Saturday night my dad called to let me know my mom went to the ER for dehydration and all around weakness (she hadn't had a full meal in 3 weeks and her fluid intake was severely decreased as well). She's been there ever since and I've visited almost every day. She is definitely getting better but for how long? And what happens when she goes home?
Sunday I was depressed so we walked around for a while and then I went to visit while Addy napped. We met up with family that night for small cook-out which helped some.
Monday we visited as a family and stayed for a while and then stayed home for the rest of the day. Pretty low key day.
And finally, yesterday we took Addy to daycare and C & I spent the whole day together which was really, really nice and just what we needed. We hit IKEA to look at things for the new house and GASP, actually agreed on a bedroom set! And then, after shopping for a bit we (are you ready?) SAW A MOVIE.
If you don't have kids then you won't understand but we haven't seen a movie since... 2009.
We saw Super 8 which was C's pick and the only one that worked with our timing. It was good but the "jumpy" kind of movie which scared me a lot.
I kind of ran out of steam for this post so that's my weekend report. Hope your holiday weekend was a good one!
Friday, July 1, 2011
Inspector Gadget
Today is our home inspection and I'm a little nervous. My biggest fear about buying the house (and what makes me hesitate and drives C nuts) is that we pay a huge ton of money for this place and then something breaks. Something BIG.
So hopefully the home inspection today will ease my fears some that nothing is too wrong with all the major things in the house. We already know a couple things that need to be done so I'm hoping there isn't anything else that's major.
C & I sat around last night and talked about all the things we need to buy for the house. Like, his mom is coming to visit right after we move and she'll need a place to sleep. We've been talking about getting a bedroom set for ourselves anyway so we should probably buy it right away and move our current bed into the guest room. And since we'll have 2 living rooms (one living, one family) we need 2 sets of couches. We'd love to get another sectional at some point.
Oh, and patio furniture.
If you need me, I'll be on Craig's List...
So hopefully the home inspection today will ease my fears some that nothing is too wrong with all the major things in the house. We already know a couple things that need to be done so I'm hoping there isn't anything else that's major.
C & I sat around last night and talked about all the things we need to buy for the house. Like, his mom is coming to visit right after we move and she'll need a place to sleep. We've been talking about getting a bedroom set for ourselves anyway so we should probably buy it right away and move our current bed into the guest room. And since we'll have 2 living rooms (one living, one family) we need 2 sets of couches. We'd love to get another sectional at some point.
Oh, and patio furniture.
If you need me, I'll be on Craig's List...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)