I have no idea why that's my blog title, I'm completely random today. I'm not into this whole "work" thing. I basically force myself to come here every day.
I keep having random thoughts like, "Mom will never see my house" - I always held out hope that she'd be ok enough to get in a car and come see the house after we closed and everything. I'm proud that we're doing all this and I wanted to show it to her as a sign that we're doing ok.
"How the hell are we going to do Christmas?!" I have a feeling that Christmas will be the worst. Mom used to be such a big part of it with the planning and gifts and everything. I don't feel that even with all of us tackling this that we'll be able to fill that gap.
Someone asked me how I was doing and I said that "every day gets a little better" but I don't necessarily feel that today is better than yesterday. I suppose that next week will be better than this week but individual days really suck. I think that the only thing worse than losing a parent must be losing a spouse or child. But this certainly ranks up in the top 3.
I keep thinking of things she'll miss now, like the birth of her next grandchild and how much I wanted to be able to tell her I was pregnant again (I'm not). I was looking forward to actually being around her this time for this pregnancy and birth. I had thoughts about having her in the delivery room with me and our being able to bond over all this.
I think it's confusing for the people I work with and for C since sometimes I am just fine and sometimes I'm sad or acting like a big ol' B. I hope it's more the former than the latter for both their sakes and mine. Not even I can predict how I will feel or act at a given time.
Sympathy cards are still trickling in and while it makes me cry to read them, it's amazing how many people want to show their support to me. I'm simply at awe. So thank you.