On July 17th it was the 1-year anniversary of my mom's passing. For a few months after she passed, I wondered what we would do that day. Would my brothers and I come together and find a way to honor and remember her? Would we all be a little closer, having grown over that year?
The answer is that I spent that day by waking up at 4am to catch a 6:30am flight from LA to Cleveland with my 2 small children. To be honest, I can't even remember now exactly what we did. (We went to the store, cooked dinner and hung out until we all crashed - I just remembered.)
Yes, I thought of her off and on through out the day and I missed her but it was mostly nothing new.
When she passed, we had her cremated and the remains were simply placed in a cardboard box that went home with my dad. As far as I know, he put that box on the mantle and it is still there. I don't know, I haven't been in the house for quite some time. When all this was happening, I requested that eventually we do something, put something somewhere so that we would all have a place to go to visit her, talk to her, remember her. That hasn't happened.
I miss her every single day. I think about her every day. I have dreams about her and I wish they were good dreams where she reassured me that everything was ok, but mostly she's sad in them.
I stopped going to therapy at the beginning of this year. It wasn't because I thought I was done but because I was pregnant, starting a new job, etc. Busy. If I were still there I'm sure that she would have recommended that I do something to honor her like go to her favorite place for lunch or write her a letter or something.
As for all of us being closer, we're not. Not that we're further apart, just that things don't really seem to have changed. With one exception, my dad. There has been a lot of turmoil over the past year in our relationship and we are distant.
If there isn't a place to go and visit her, perhaps I'll have to create one.
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grief. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
In Memoriam
It is still so new & all we see is the empty space, but that is not how it is in the landscape of the heart. There, there is no empty space & she still laughs & grapples with ideas & plans & nods wisely with each of us in turn. We are proud to have known her. We are proud to have called her friend.
- Brian Andreas
I found this when searching for a Story People print to hang in the house. I have admired his work since my friend received a (different) print of his and hung it in her home. Hers was about dealing with depression and it seemed to fit.
I am considering getting this to honor my mom but I'm having issues with the wording. First, I would prefer it to say Mom instead of friend at the end. And second, while I like the text, I feel that there is something that would describe my Mom better. It's not that I didn't think that she was wise or smart, but she was fun, and bright, and SO musical.
I almost always have a difficult time finding the perfect thing to represent my feelings. It's like I get something stuck in my head, even if it's just some feelings or words and I always have a hard time making it reality or finding the representation.
I wish I could remember the Bible reading we chose for her service. I'm pretty sure it was the end of the Book of Isaiah but my stupid filter at work won't let me access anything that would confirm that.
I want to honor her in my home in some way but I really can't figure out how...
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
One Month
I want to write but I often don't know what to write. It's been one month today since we lost my mom. Since the last time I was able to speak with her and tell her I love her.
I remember that we were going to grab some lunch and try to let my mom rest, because she didn't want to sleep until she'd seen us all. So we talked to the nurse and then I told my mom that they were giving her some morphine and that we were going to leave her alone for a while so she could rest. She said ok and probably gave me a thumbs up, because that was what she did. And I told her I loved her as I walked out of the room and she mouthed it back to me and that was the last time.
We didn't know, as we went to lunch, that she would basically take a turn for the worse, that we would pretty much never speak to her again. She was still coherent afterward, but she steadily declined as time went on.
I miss her every day. Even when I forget, I still miss her. It's not fair to lose her so suddenly and so young.
I didn't know that today would be so hard. I didn't realize that I would cry at my desk.
I remember that we were going to grab some lunch and try to let my mom rest, because she didn't want to sleep until she'd seen us all. So we talked to the nurse and then I told my mom that they were giving her some morphine and that we were going to leave her alone for a while so she could rest. She said ok and probably gave me a thumbs up, because that was what she did. And I told her I loved her as I walked out of the room and she mouthed it back to me and that was the last time.
We didn't know, as we went to lunch, that she would basically take a turn for the worse, that we would pretty much never speak to her again. She was still coherent afterward, but she steadily declined as time went on.
I miss her every day. Even when I forget, I still miss her. It's not fair to lose her so suddenly and so young.
I didn't know that today would be so hard. I didn't realize that I would cry at my desk.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Hard
This weekend was hard. There were times I missed my mom so much it hurt.
We had a family reunion of sorts, an annual picnic we all attend. Our extended family isn't that close, so we only see each other at weddings, funerals, and this damn picnic. Oh, they meant well but every year it's the same awkward, "Who are you again? Who's kid?" and this year it was exceptionally difficult.
My brother said something that rang so very true with me. He said, "The woman that was in that hospital bed, the one I watched [pass away] was not my mother. (She looked so different in the end and lost a lot of her strength.) So even though I watched it happen, it's like Mom's just on vacation right now and she'll be waiting at the house when I call or I'll see her next week when we have pizza." And we agreed that due to this, we're still in a sub-conscious denial about the whole thing.
This family reunion was so weird and hard without her there. Because she would have been there. Camped out in her chair with a wine cooler in her hand. Jumping up to hug everyone as they came in. Fussing over the lay out of the food and making "mmmm" noises. Every time I turned around it was like this sock in the gut that she wasn't there.
We also had some guests in from out of town and they hadn't seen me since "before". I asked C to make sure they knew (they're his relatives) because I didn't want them asking how she was doing. I didn't need to worry about that, but from now on I know that when I see someone that I'll have to go through it again. And they don't mean any harm, but they make comments about how fast it was or how they just saw her at the wedding and she looked great.
I know that it's part of everything and I can only imagine how holidays and special days will be but it really, really sucks.
We had a family reunion of sorts, an annual picnic we all attend. Our extended family isn't that close, so we only see each other at weddings, funerals, and this damn picnic. Oh, they meant well but every year it's the same awkward, "Who are you again? Who's kid?" and this year it was exceptionally difficult.
My brother said something that rang so very true with me. He said, "The woman that was in that hospital bed, the one I watched [pass away] was not my mother. (She looked so different in the end and lost a lot of her strength.) So even though I watched it happen, it's like Mom's just on vacation right now and she'll be waiting at the house when I call or I'll see her next week when we have pizza." And we agreed that due to this, we're still in a sub-conscious denial about the whole thing.
This family reunion was so weird and hard without her there. Because she would have been there. Camped out in her chair with a wine cooler in her hand. Jumping up to hug everyone as they came in. Fussing over the lay out of the food and making "mmmm" noises. Every time I turned around it was like this sock in the gut that she wasn't there.
We also had some guests in from out of town and they hadn't seen me since "before". I asked C to make sure they knew (they're his relatives) because I didn't want them asking how she was doing. I didn't need to worry about that, but from now on I know that when I see someone that I'll have to go through it again. And they don't mean any harm, but they make comments about how fast it was or how they just saw her at the wedding and she looked great.
I know that it's part of everything and I can only imagine how holidays and special days will be but it really, really sucks.
Friday, August 5, 2011
I Hate Work
I generally try hard not to say I hate things. It's so absolute. So instead I say I don't like them or I'm not pleased. But I am so angry about my work.
I also generally don't talk about my work, as I'm sure you've noticed. I think it's not professional and a great way to get in trouble, if not fired.
But today, and for the last 2 weeks, I hate my job.
I hate everything about how they chose to deal with my mom's passing. I hate that they only gave me one day of bereavement leave to "cope". Seriously?! Between actually dealing with it and planning a funeral and attending said funeral, one day does NOT cut it. I hate that they told me to "take as much time as I needed" but then only paid me for one actual day. How much sense does that make?
I hate that my boss made the decision to tell only the people that "needed to know" and have my card signed by only 16 people in a company of 130. I don't work directly with all 130 but you can imagine the awkwardness of people not knowing and wondering where I was. I hate that I had to explain.
Call it selfish, but I also hate that someone else passed away (not a direct employee but someone we kind of knew) and there's a company wide e-mail sent out and a card in the break room. A card that was hand delivered to multiple people and most didn't even actually know him.
I hate that personal feelings come in to daily decisions about how the place is ran. I hate that I'm second-guessed in my role here. Either I can do it or I can't. I hate that the boss' children are hired sans interviews and given titles like "Project Manager".
I'm fully aware that I'm not in a great place right now, but none of this is helping lately.
But at least I'm able to vent here!
I also generally don't talk about my work, as I'm sure you've noticed. I think it's not professional and a great way to get in trouble, if not fired.
But today, and for the last 2 weeks, I hate my job.
I hate everything about how they chose to deal with my mom's passing. I hate that they only gave me one day of bereavement leave to "cope". Seriously?! Between actually dealing with it and planning a funeral and attending said funeral, one day does NOT cut it. I hate that they told me to "take as much time as I needed" but then only paid me for one actual day. How much sense does that make?
I hate that my boss made the decision to tell only the people that "needed to know" and have my card signed by only 16 people in a company of 130. I don't work directly with all 130 but you can imagine the awkwardness of people not knowing and wondering where I was. I hate that I had to explain.
Call it selfish, but I also hate that someone else passed away (not a direct employee but someone we kind of knew) and there's a company wide e-mail sent out and a card in the break room. A card that was hand delivered to multiple people and most didn't even actually know him.
I hate that personal feelings come in to daily decisions about how the place is ran. I hate that I'm second-guessed in my role here. Either I can do it or I can't. I hate that the boss' children are hired sans interviews and given titles like "Project Manager".
I'm fully aware that I'm not in a great place right now, but none of this is helping lately.
But at least I'm able to vent here!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
On Grieving
I conveniently saw my doctor the Wednesday after my mom passed (I hate the word died, it seems insensitive for some reason) and after I started crying in her office, she asked me what was wrong and then suggested I speak to a therapist. I figured what the hell and scheduled an appointment that took place on Tuesday.
I should point out a few things. I have never seen a therapist in my life and I suspect that hardly anyone in my family has either. It's kind of taboo, something we associatedwith mental illness and weakness (no hate please). We much prefer to suffer in silence and deal in our own ways. We hardly ever talk about feelings. I didn't tell my dad I loved him until 2001 (on the phone). We'd always just say "Bye".
Because of this, and the way mid-westerners tend to be (it's that Lutheran background or something), I don't really express how I'm feeling at any given time. C even tends to agree with that, telling me that it takes a lot to get inside me & my head. So I felt pretty weird going and wondered just how it would go.
I'm still not sure how it went or even what I'm trying to get out of it. I suppose I want validation for my feelings. I want to be told that it's normal. I want to be told that I'm reacting in a proper way, no matter what I'm doing.
There's such a stigma about grieving and I feel like I should have fallen apart and not showered or gotten out of bed for 3 days or something and I didn't. And this was my own mother!
I'm seeing her again next week and we'll see how it goes. At some point I need to figure out exactly what I want and if we're getting there. I need to see if it's helping.
I should point out a few things. I have never seen a therapist in my life and I suspect that hardly anyone in my family has either. It's kind of taboo, something we associatedwith mental illness and weakness (no hate please). We much prefer to suffer in silence and deal in our own ways. We hardly ever talk about feelings. I didn't tell my dad I loved him until 2001 (on the phone). We'd always just say "Bye".
Because of this, and the way mid-westerners tend to be (it's that Lutheran background or something), I don't really express how I'm feeling at any given time. C even tends to agree with that, telling me that it takes a lot to get inside me & my head. So I felt pretty weird going and wondered just how it would go.
I'm still not sure how it went or even what I'm trying to get out of it. I suppose I want validation for my feelings. I want to be told that it's normal. I want to be told that I'm reacting in a proper way, no matter what I'm doing.
There's such a stigma about grieving and I feel like I should have fallen apart and not showered or gotten out of bed for 3 days or something and I didn't. And this was my own mother!
I'm seeing her again next week and we'll see how it goes. At some point I need to figure out exactly what I want and if we're getting there. I need to see if it's helping.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
This is How We Do It
I have no idea why that's my blog title, I'm completely random today. I'm not into this whole "work" thing. I basically force myself to come here every day.
I keep having random thoughts like, "Mom will never see my house" - I always held out hope that she'd be ok enough to get in a car and come see the house after we closed and everything. I'm proud that we're doing all this and I wanted to show it to her as a sign that we're doing ok.
"How the hell are we going to do Christmas?!" I have a feeling that Christmas will be the worst. Mom used to be such a big part of it with the planning and gifts and everything. I don't feel that even with all of us tackling this that we'll be able to fill that gap.
Someone asked me how I was doing and I said that "every day gets a little better" but I don't necessarily feel that today is better than yesterday. I suppose that next week will be better than this week but individual days really suck. I think that the only thing worse than losing a parent must be losing a spouse or child. But this certainly ranks up in the top 3.
I keep thinking of things she'll miss now, like the birth of her next grandchild and how much I wanted to be able to tell her I was pregnant again (I'm not). I was looking forward to actually being around her this time for this pregnancy and birth. I had thoughts about having her in the delivery room with me and our being able to bond over all this.
I think it's confusing for the people I work with and for C since sometimes I am just fine and sometimes I'm sad or acting like a big ol' B. I hope it's more the former than the latter for both their sakes and mine. Not even I can predict how I will feel or act at a given time.
Sympathy cards are still trickling in and while it makes me cry to read them, it's amazing how many people want to show their support to me. I'm simply at awe. So thank you.
I keep having random thoughts like, "Mom will never see my house" - I always held out hope that she'd be ok enough to get in a car and come see the house after we closed and everything. I'm proud that we're doing all this and I wanted to show it to her as a sign that we're doing ok.
"How the hell are we going to do Christmas?!" I have a feeling that Christmas will be the worst. Mom used to be such a big part of it with the planning and gifts and everything. I don't feel that even with all of us tackling this that we'll be able to fill that gap.
Someone asked me how I was doing and I said that "every day gets a little better" but I don't necessarily feel that today is better than yesterday. I suppose that next week will be better than this week but individual days really suck. I think that the only thing worse than losing a parent must be losing a spouse or child. But this certainly ranks up in the top 3.
I keep thinking of things she'll miss now, like the birth of her next grandchild and how much I wanted to be able to tell her I was pregnant again (I'm not). I was looking forward to actually being around her this time for this pregnancy and birth. I had thoughts about having her in the delivery room with me and our being able to bond over all this.
I think it's confusing for the people I work with and for C since sometimes I am just fine and sometimes I'm sad or acting like a big ol' B. I hope it's more the former than the latter for both their sakes and mine. Not even I can predict how I will feel or act at a given time.
Sympathy cards are still trickling in and while it makes me cry to read them, it's amazing how many people want to show their support to me. I'm simply at awe. So thank you.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Still Just Okay
My body is craving sleep right now. I know it's a coping mechanism but sleep is all I want to do lately. I don't want to wake up at 5:15am, I don't want to stay up past 9pm, it's nuts. Every morning the alarm goes off and all I can think is, "Are you serious?!" It's like there's no possible way that it's already 5:15am and I'm still this tired.
The past 2 nights I've fallen asleep on the couch at 9pm. C just lets me, he doesn't quite get what I'm going through but he's being very patient and understanding.
My body is not craving food so much. Dinner is my best meal of the day, meaning that's when I eat the most, likely because C is with me. Breakfast is non-existent and lunch is miniscule. I don't really care. I mean, I am eating but mostly out of need.
Work still sucks. The first day back was the worst with half the people asking me if I was ok and half the people not knowing and wondering if I took a vacation for a week and how was it anyway? Awkward. I felt so lost the first day, not quite knowing what to work on, trying to fill in gaps of what had been covered for me and what needed to be done.
I have her memory card from the service in my office where I can see it all the time. I can't decide if it's a good idea or bad idea. I'd rather remember her like that instead of at the end anyway.
The past 2 nights I've fallen asleep on the couch at 9pm. C just lets me, he doesn't quite get what I'm going through but he's being very patient and understanding.
My body is not craving food so much. Dinner is my best meal of the day, meaning that's when I eat the most, likely because C is with me. Breakfast is non-existent and lunch is miniscule. I don't really care. I mean, I am eating but mostly out of need.
Work still sucks. The first day back was the worst with half the people asking me if I was ok and half the people not knowing and wondering if I took a vacation for a week and how was it anyway? Awkward. I felt so lost the first day, not quite knowing what to work on, trying to fill in gaps of what had been covered for me and what needed to be done.
I have her memory card from the service in my office where I can see it all the time. I can't decide if it's a good idea or bad idea. I'd rather remember her like that instead of at the end anyway.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Okay
That's my response to every person who asks, "How are you doing?" I mean, what am I supposed to say? I know they mean well and they probably wouldn't ask if they didn't care about me but it's a crappy situation and a crappy question.
Because the truth is that I don't think I've actually accepted it. I know that we had the service and I watched her go but it's not real. I keep thinking that I can't believe that I'll never see or talk to her again. That I'll never hear her answer the phone with that, "Hi Jacque!" she used to. It made me feel better just hearing it.
I see her everywhere. She's every woman I see. Someone dressed the way she would have at the store or an older woman who reminds me of her. I wonder if that's what she would have looked like at 70 or 80. All white hair with that grandma plumpness.
I think about calling her to ask her something or check in. Or e-mailing her. She almost always preferred to e-mail over call, which I thought odd. Even when it was time to tell us about the cancer's return, she sent an e-mail. Maybe she thought that was the best way to contact all of us at once rather than rehash it 4 times.
She always told me that she believed she wouldn't make it to 60. It was a feeling she had. I wish she wouldn't have given in to it, like it might have made a difference.
I made an appointment with a counselor. I thought it might do me some good. I'd actually been thinking about it for a while but made no steps to do anything about it.
Because the truth is that I don't think I've actually accepted it. I know that we had the service and I watched her go but it's not real. I keep thinking that I can't believe that I'll never see or talk to her again. That I'll never hear her answer the phone with that, "Hi Jacque!" she used to. It made me feel better just hearing it.
I see her everywhere. She's every woman I see. Someone dressed the way she would have at the store or an older woman who reminds me of her. I wonder if that's what she would have looked like at 70 or 80. All white hair with that grandma plumpness.
I think about calling her to ask her something or check in. Or e-mailing her. She almost always preferred to e-mail over call, which I thought odd. Even when it was time to tell us about the cancer's return, she sent an e-mail. Maybe she thought that was the best way to contact all of us at once rather than rehash it 4 times.
She always told me that she believed she wouldn't make it to 60. It was a feeling she had. I wish she wouldn't have given in to it, like it might have made a difference.
I made an appointment with a counselor. I thought it might do me some good. I'd actually been thinking about it for a while but made no steps to do anything about it.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Notes
Dear Face,
WTF?! I haven't had so many pimples since I was 13. I know I'm stressed but seriously.
Get it together.
Love, Me
Dear Cancer,
You suck. You are killing my mom and I have no way to fight back. That's just low.
Go away forever.
Love, Me
Dear Home Owner,
Please, please accept our bid. I promise to be nice to your house. Plus, weren't we just the cutest little family yesterday when you accidentally saw us leaving?
Waiting, Me
Dear Corey,
Thank you. You know why.
Love, Me
WTF?! I haven't had so many pimples since I was 13. I know I'm stressed but seriously.
Get it together.
Love, Me
Dear Cancer,
You suck. You are killing my mom and I have no way to fight back. That's just low.
Go away forever.
Love, Me
Dear Home Owner,
Please, please accept our bid. I promise to be nice to your house. Plus, weren't we just the cutest little family yesterday when you accidentally saw us leaving?
Waiting, Me
Dear Corey,
Thank you. You know why.
Love, Me
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Short & Sweet
This will be very quick.
We saw 6 more houses on Tuesday night and one is on our Maybe List. It's the first house we've looked at where we decided we could probably live in it. I will say, Tuesday went much better than the first time. This time we saw houses that we thought were very nice and maybe could have worked except for one little thing. I guess we're getting better at choosing houses to live in.
C is going to look at a bedroom set for Addy tomorrow. I found it on Craig's List and decided it looked pretty good. Hopefully as good in person... So Addy might have her Big Girl Bed by this weekend!
I want to talk about my mom but I don't want to talk about my mom. I hate seeing her weak and bald. I absolutely hate it. C told me it would be better when her hair grew back and I told him that I don't think she'll be around long enough for that to happen. And then I cried some. The chemo she's currently on is horrible. She told me last night that she basically hasn't eaten (or kept anything down) for 5 days. She is on the verge of just giving up because it's not worth it. I can't say I blame her.
I feel horrible about that.
I'm trying to make an effort to go over and visit or clean or sort things for her. Whatever will make her happy. I plan to go next week after work one day. I'm hoping it will help me deal a little better.
No wedding pictures, not sure what happened.
That's it.
We saw 6 more houses on Tuesday night and one is on our Maybe List. It's the first house we've looked at where we decided we could probably live in it. I will say, Tuesday went much better than the first time. This time we saw houses that we thought were very nice and maybe could have worked except for one little thing. I guess we're getting better at choosing houses to live in.
C is going to look at a bedroom set for Addy tomorrow. I found it on Craig's List and decided it looked pretty good. Hopefully as good in person... So Addy might have her Big Girl Bed by this weekend!
I want to talk about my mom but I don't want to talk about my mom. I hate seeing her weak and bald. I absolutely hate it. C told me it would be better when her hair grew back and I told him that I don't think she'll be around long enough for that to happen. And then I cried some. The chemo she's currently on is horrible. She told me last night that she basically hasn't eaten (or kept anything down) for 5 days. She is on the verge of just giving up because it's not worth it. I can't say I blame her.
I feel horrible about that.
I'm trying to make an effort to go over and visit or clean or sort things for her. Whatever will make her happy. I plan to go next week after work one day. I'm hoping it will help me deal a little better.
No wedding pictures, not sure what happened.
That's it.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Bad News, Good News
We had so many applicants (22) for the babysitter job posting that I finally took it down. Holy crap. We picked our favorites and I e-mailed all of them back and we are meeting 3 of them in person this week. Well, 2 for sure. I need one more to confirm.
I need to do some searching to find out how this process should go. We're meeting at a park to get a feel if they're stalker material or not but if we like them then what? C & I think that if we like them then we set up a 1-hour trial where he & I go to lunch or something to see how things go. I also need to find a list of questions I can ask them.
So that's good. What's bad is that I finally got a reader to view the footage of our wedding from a friend but there is NO sound! I still watched the entire ceremony in silence last night. Gah, and I was so excited to see it! Hopefully the other person that was filming got the sound!
We got some good news this weekend that we are "easily approved" for a mortgage of the size we discussed with the broker. That makes me happy. That means that we can officially start looking for a place. If we find one we like, we can request a closing date in early August and be in our place by the end of August! That's crazy to think about!
It seems that for every up we're having there is definitely an equal (or greater) and opposite reaction. Us science nerds can't hide from Newton, even if it's just life and not actually gravity we're talking about.
I don't talk about it much but my mom's cancer has officially returned and she is not looking well at all. She's lost all her hair (the doctors seemed surprised that it stayed for as long as it did) and is looking very weak and frail. We had a BBQ yesterday with family to gather around her and it was shocking to see her in that condition.
I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do or how to feel. It seems impossible that C & I would be house hunting while this is going on. Like we're not supposed to do anything normal. How can we be moving forward when she is obviously not?
I know, I know, we can't put our lives on hold but I feel so helpless.
I need to do some searching to find out how this process should go. We're meeting at a park to get a feel if they're stalker material or not but if we like them then what? C & I think that if we like them then we set up a 1-hour trial where he & I go to lunch or something to see how things go. I also need to find a list of questions I can ask them.
So that's good. What's bad is that I finally got a reader to view the footage of our wedding from a friend but there is NO sound! I still watched the entire ceremony in silence last night. Gah, and I was so excited to see it! Hopefully the other person that was filming got the sound!
We got some good news this weekend that we are "easily approved" for a mortgage of the size we discussed with the broker. That makes me happy. That means that we can officially start looking for a place. If we find one we like, we can request a closing date in early August and be in our place by the end of August! That's crazy to think about!
It seems that for every up we're having there is definitely an equal (or greater) and opposite reaction. Us science nerds can't hide from Newton, even if it's just life and not actually gravity we're talking about.
I don't talk about it much but my mom's cancer has officially returned and she is not looking well at all. She's lost all her hair (the doctors seemed surprised that it stayed for as long as it did) and is looking very weak and frail. We had a BBQ yesterday with family to gather around her and it was shocking to see her in that condition.
I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do or how to feel. It seems impossible that C & I would be house hunting while this is going on. Like we're not supposed to do anything normal. How can we be moving forward when she is obviously not?
I know, I know, we can't put our lives on hold but I feel so helpless.
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