Hard

This weekend was hard.  There were times I missed my mom so much it hurt.  

We had a family reunion of sorts, an annual picnic we all attend.  Our extended family isn't that close, so we only see each other at weddings, funerals, and this damn picnic.  Oh, they meant well but every year it's the same awkward, "Who are you again?  Who's kid?" and this year it was exceptionally difficult.

My brother said something that rang so very true with me.  He said, "The woman that was in that hospital bed, the one I watched [pass away] was not my mother.  (She looked so different in the end and lost a lot of her strength.)  So even though I watched it happen, it's like Mom's just on vacation right now and she'll be waiting at the house when I call or I'll see her next week when we have pizza."  And we agreed that due to this, we're still in a sub-conscious denial about the whole thing.

This family reunion was so weird and hard without her there.  Because she would have been there.  Camped out in her chair with a wine cooler in her hand.  Jumping up to hug everyone as they came in.  Fussing over the lay out of the food and making "mmmm" noises.  Every time I turned around it was like this sock in the gut that she wasn't there.  

We also had some guests in from out of town and they hadn't seen me since "before".  I asked C to make sure they knew (they're his relatives) because I didn't want them asking how she was doing.  I didn't need to worry about that, but from now on I know that when I see someone that I'll have to go through it again.  And they don't mean any harm, but they make comments about how fast it was or how they just saw her at the wedding and she looked great.  

I know that it's part of everything and I can only imagine how holidays and special days will be but it really, really sucks.