I had a friend in town over the past long weekend and we had a good time hanging out with our kids and together and showing her the city and our new house. We went to a family BBQ after they flew out and had a good time visiting with everyone and left after a few hours.
As we left my cousin's wife said, "I'm sorry you're so sad" to me and it has stuck with me ever since. I asked C about it because I honestly felt like I was doing ok. I didn't feel like I was wearing this cloak of sadness that everyone could see any longer. He told me that he thinks I am sad but it's only because he sees me everyday and knows me that well.
I feel this weird pressure to be sad but not. Like, there's some level of sadness or some period of grieving that is deemed acceptable but I don't know how much it is.
And having written that, I can see how silly it is to base my emotions on what other people think of me. But I don't want people to think that I'm totally fine now and think that I don't miss my mom. On the other hand, I don't want people to think I'm crying myself to sleep every night.
The truth is this: I miss her. I miss her every. single. day. I hate not being able to talk to her and tell her what's going on in my life. I hate that she never saw my house or got to meet any of her future grandchildren. I hate that life is still going on and she's missing everything and we're missing her.
BUT, I don't let it run my life. I don't let it stop me from enjoying company or cracking a joke or living my life.
I SO wish that she was still around but I can't dwell on the fact that she's not.
And I think that puts me in exactly the right place.