When I first lost my mom, I was ANGRY. I was angry at the way that my work at the time treated the whole thing (which I blogged about) and I was angry at anyone who dared to complain about life. I probably should have taken a break from Facebook at the time because anytime someone had the audacity to say anything negative I thought, "Oh, you think you have it bad? My mom is dead."
This manifested in many ways like, "Oh, you had to put your dog down? See above." And, "Oh, your baby kept you up all night. Mom."
And then I lost my job and I just felt like my world was crashing down. I was 4 months pregnant with no job, no mom, and a brand new house to pay for.
For those of you who were following me, you know how this story ends and I'm happy to say that not only did I survive, but I'm in such a better place now except for still missing my mom.
For a while I thought that the only people who were allowed to complain to me were people who had suffered similar or worse. People who had lost either a baby, a parent, or a spouse. Because no one else knew how bad it could be. I was on a different wavelength when it came to suffering.
But then my friend got diagnosed with cancer and that sucked. And then, within 5 months, her grandma passed. And I started to think about how she felt. And first I thought, well, it was her grandma and my mom trumps her grandma so NBD. (Not really NBD, just comparatively.)
Then I saw that new show, Go On, where Matthew Perry's character is dealing with losing his wife and he joins a support group and they all start comparing stories. And as stupid as it is to learn a life lesson from a sitcom, I did.
You can't compare grief. You don't know how people process or cope. Sure, maybe losing my mom was a bigger blow than my friend losing her grandma but how do I know? Maybe her grandma was like a second mom to her. And what about my poor brother, who in the span of 2 years lost both a baby and a mom?
At 32 (almost 33), I'm still learning. Fortunately, no one got hurt while I learned this lesson.
I've been missing my mom a lot lately and blogging offers a little release. So you might see more mom entries for a while.
Thank you for this today. I think I've been doing a lot of the same, no one can compete with my stress, I have the market cornered : ) Miss you girl.
ReplyDeleteI've been backing up my pictures onto an external drive, and came across some of your mom, and, of course, there was the one folder devoted solely to Danni, and it was depressing. Then I got to folder after folder of Nora, and it brightened me up a bit.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about Facebook though... I would see other moms that were pregnant while I was with Danni, and they would post about how they were having a rough day with their baby... Yeah, life must be rough, lucky you, you got pooped on (or whatever...). I think for me, having Nora helped. Sitcoms work too! :)