Why Kids?

As C & I work on getting pregnant (which is another post - about when to tell people when it's actually happened), I ponder all the time about what life will be like with another child.  And if we can handle it, and if Addy will still get the attention she deserves and the fears go on and on.

But I read an article the other day that got me thinking.  The author threw out the questions, "Why have kids?" because it seemed to her that kids were really just little life ruiners and it was totally not worth it.  She cited tired parents, lack of money or sex or alone time, messes, horrible temper tantrum-throwing monsters, disrespectful teenagers, etc.  She had SO many reasons about why kids really were the worst thing a loving couple could ever do to themselves.

Well, it's one of those things that you'll never understand until you actually have one.  You can't imagine the joy you feel when they run to you or take your face in their hands, look into your eyes and kiss you.  Or how proud you feel when they figure something out that you've been trying to teach them.

But let's get practical for a minute.  The way I see it, kids are the greatest thing I'll ever do with my life.  

People like you and me, we're not world-changers.  We're not flying down to Haiti to help them clean up or feeding starving children in Africa.  We're not genuises who will come up with the next brilliant idea that will forever change the way we do something.  In short, my name isn't going down in history as some visionary or do-gooder.

I'm ok with that.  I do what I can, when I can.  But having a kid, it's my accomplishment.  I get to raise this child to be the best human being she can possibly be.  I get to put all my hopes and dreams into her (trying not to stifle her) and then watch her go into the world and see what she does.

I may not change the world, but maybe she will.  Or maybe she'll be like me, a loving, working mother who loves her children fiercely.   And I'll have created that.  That is why I do it.

And Here I Thought I Was Doing Pretty Well

I had a friend in town over the past long weekend and we had a good time hanging out with our kids and together and showing her the city and our new house.  We went to a family BBQ after they flew out and had a good time visiting with everyone and left after a few hours.

As we left my cousin's wife said, "I'm sorry you're so sad" to me and it has stuck with me ever since.  I asked C about it because I honestly felt like I was doing ok.  I didn't feel like I was wearing this cloak of sadness that everyone could see any longer.  He told me that he thinks I am sad but it's only because he sees me everyday and knows me that well.

I feel this weird pressure to be sad but not.  Like, there's some level of sadness or some period of grieving that is deemed acceptable but I don't know how much it is.  

And having written that, I can see how silly it is to base my emotions on what other people think of me.  But I don't want people to think that I'm totally fine now and think that I don't miss my mom.  On the other hand, I don't want people to think I'm crying myself to sleep every night.

The truth is this: I miss her.  I miss her every. single. day.  I hate not being able to talk to her and tell her what's going on in my life.  I hate that she never saw my house or got to meet any of her future grandchildren.  I hate that life is still going on and she's missing everything and we're missing her.

BUT, I don't let it run my life.  I don't let it stop me from enjoying company or cracking a joke or living my life.  

I SO wish that she was still around but I can't dwell on the fact that she's not.

And I think that puts me in exactly the right place.

I couldn't decide if my job was making me unhappy or if I was unhappy at my job because of everything else.  It's sometimes hard to see through everything going on to the root of the problem.

Am I unhappy about my mom, which is affecting everything else in my life or am I truly unhappy at my job?

But everything else seems fine.  I love our house, I love my little family, and I think that I'm doing pretty well all things considered.

But I hate my job.  I decided today after some BS personnel moves that make no sense.

The bad part is that I have too much invested right now to make a change so I need to stick it out for a while longer.

And so we muddle through.

In Memoriam

It is still so new & all we see is the empty space, but that is not how it is in the landscape of the heart. There, there is no empty space & she still laughs & grapples with ideas & plans & nods wisely with each of us in turn. We are proud to have known her. We are proud to have called her friend.

- Brian Andreas

I found this when searching for a Story People print to hang in the house.  I have admired his work since my friend received a (different) print of his and hung it in her home.  Hers was about dealing with depression and it seemed to fit.  

 

I am considering getting this to honor my mom but I'm having issues with the wording.  First, I would prefer it to say Mom instead of friend at the end.  And second, while I like the text, I feel that there is something that would describe my Mom better.  It's not that I didn't think that she was wise or smart, but she was fun, and bright, and SO musical.  

 

I almost always have a difficult time finding the perfect thing to represent my feelings.  It's like I get something stuck in my head, even if it's just some feelings or words and I always have a hard time making it reality or finding the representation.

I wish I could remember the Bible reading we chose for her service.  I'm pretty sure it was the end of the Book of Isaiah but my stupid filter at work won't let me access anything that would confirm that.

 

I want to honor her in my home in some way but I really can't figure out how...

Class

For reasons I'm not going to get in to right now, starting next week I'll be taking a night class at the U of MN and I. am. NERVOUS.

It's been a really long time since I've been in school/class and I'm worried that I'll be the only person older than 30 there, that I wont' be able to keep up, that no one will want to study with me, that it will be too much, etc.

The timing's not great with me trying to get all pregnant, but I found the class and talked to C and decided to go for it.  It's going to be hard on our little family with me being gone 2 nights a week and C having to pick up the slack.

It means that I'll miss family dinners and putting Addy down with stories and kisses and who knows how much more of my time will be eaten up with studying.  I have no idea what to expect but there are also benefits.

I plan to ask for a raise when it's done.  I will become more marketable for jobs.  It will be done.

I'm nervous as hell but I also realize what a good thing this is so I will push through.  12 weeks isn't that long anyway.

Things that are Happening

In an effort to return to normal (?), here's an update on my life...

We are officially "trying" to get pregnant.  But considering that we were actively trying NOT to get pregnant with Addy, I'm unsure how this will go.  For a couple months I suppose we'll just see what happens.  I'd definitely like it to happen sooner, rather than later.

We have been in the house since Saturday and we are slowly making headway and unpacking.  My brother and SIL helped us a TREMENDOUS amount over the weekend and it's much better than it would have been.  We got all new bedroom furniture (a real grown-up matching set!) plus a mattress and it's awesome.  I'm still not crazy for the wall color but I'll survive (C won that battle).

We are keeping a list of things that need to get done which so far includes: install a garbage disposal, get new windows, install overhead lights in all the bedrooms (who thought they wouldn't be needed?!), get new garage door opener, clean gutters, etc.  We have some busy weekends ahead of us.

I'm still not happy in my job, which I touched on yesterday.  The thing about it is that I can't figure out if it's because I don't like it anymore or if it's because of my mom and all the things associated with that.  I will admit that one thing I realized I don't like is that there don't seem to be clear lines about who does what.

I lean towards Type A with regards to work and my duties.  I don't like it when people do the things that I'm supposed to do or overstep their boundaries (I guess they'd be my boundaries).  I want to be allowed to do my job and not have someone doing it for me or questioning me on it.  I also want to be trusted to perform my job.  If you ask me to do something, allow me to do it.  I don't like that things change so much here with who does what.

Now, I feel like I should also say that I'm not one of those "that's not my job" people.  I rarely pass the buck, I do what's asked of me or I figure out who I'm supposed to ask.  It's just that lines are so blurred here.

We're switching daycares in about 2 1/2 weeks.  This one will be SO much closer to our house and it's $20/week less!  Now, C & I can share the drop off/pick up duties which will take the load off me.  I'm just dreading breaking the news to our current provider.  She's not going to be happy and I'm fully expecting tears.

And that's your update.

I keep coming here to post and I have no idea what to say.

We moved and I love having a house now, even with all the work that comes with it.

There's still a pall that hangs over everything I do and that kind of sucks but I understand that it will take time for that to ease.

Work still sucks and I have had no drive lately to get things done.  I'm skating by with the bare minimum at the moment.  That's not like me at all.

I saw the therapist again and I'm not sure what I'm getting out of it other than a place to talk.  I've got another appointment in 2 weeks so we'll see.

I just don't know.