Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Scare Tactics (OR How I Know This is Right)

C & I met/starting dating on Feb. 22, 2008.  It was a long distance relationship and quite a whirlwind.  We started saying, "I love you" in June, after only having seen each other in person 5 times.  However, we talked on the phone every day and often e-mailed each other as well.  We had no idea where our relationship was headed, but we knew we wanted to make it work.

We found out I was pregnant on July 31, 2008 after only 5 months together.  I was terrified.  We didn't live together, let alone in the same state.  I knew I loved him and I knew he was a wonderful man but I had no idea how he would react.  He could have said it wasn't his, he could have walked away, he could have done any number of things.  Instead, he chose to move to California and raise our daughter with me.  Though he's never said anything, I will never forget the sacrifices he's made for me and for our family.  And it makes me love him all the more.

Over the weekend I took 2 pregnancy tests, both negative.  I'm still not 100% convinced that I'm not pregnant but time will tell.  All day Saturday my breasts ached and ached.  It was always there, always in the background.  I often felt a little queasy and felt cramps in my lower abdomen.  I was convinced this was it, we'd managed to do it again.  And all I could think was, "I don't WANT to be pregnant right now!  It's not in the plan!"

We have a timeline set out.  I'm not saying we can't veer from it but it makes the most sense to do things this way.  Get married in May, buy a house by August, get pregnant again at the end of August/beginning of September.  I don't want to be pregnant at our wedding!  I want my dress to fit and not have a bulge.  I don't want people talking.  I want to drink!

So I braced myself and told C.  He actually smiled and said that we'd figure it out!  And then he seemed disappointed when it was negative!  What kind of man did I find?

Don't get me wrong, I know this is a good thing.  I found an amazing man, one who is right there with me.  He's in this and he's not going anywhere and he has shown me again and again.

So I'm almost crying over the fact that I might be pregnant and he's calming me down and reassuring me that it's not a bad thing.  That we're married now and it's ok.  That we'll figure everything out.

I have a doctor's appointment today for a physical, made well before last weekend.  I'll find out what's going on with my stupid body, but I know that the answer doesn't matter.  I got the answer I really needed.

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